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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

What To Expect From James Comey’s Book

Former FBI director James Comey is writing a book due out next spring about leadership, decision-making, and his time at the FBI. Here’s what to look for when the book is released.
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Staffer Investigating Puddle Of Slime On Floor Looks Up To Discover Coworker Cocooned In Bannon Ooze

WASHINGTON—Strange, viscous fluid dribbling down from the shadows above him, Trump administration staffer Jason McCabe on Thursday reportedly looked up from a puddle of slime he had been investigating to discover a fellow aide cocooned in Steve Bannon’s ooze. According to sources, McCabe had been walking alone in a dark West Wing corridor when he noticed by the light of his flashlight that he had stepped in a gluey, greenish-white substance and followed the trickle upwards to where coworker Jonathan Meslow was affixed to the ceiling in thick clumps of the White House chief strategist’s mucous. Sources indicate that McCabe then uttered the phrase “Dear God” as he pointed his flashlight at the aide’s contorted face, then guided the beam further down Meslow’s body to a large cavity in his abdomen where Bannon had presumably gouged out his entrails. Retching from the ghastly sight and the putrid stench, McCabe reportedly turned to leave when his flashlight suddenly flickered and died, at which point scuttling sounds began to emerge from the darkness.

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