Stain-Removal Guide

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

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Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Stain-Removal Guide

Blood Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much.

Ink Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?"

Grass Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results.

Mud Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.

Grape Juice Rub stain vigorously with wet paper towel from restroom while saying, "Oh, shit... fuck."

Tomato Sauce Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche?

Coffee Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor.

Wine Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little fucking stain.

Chewing Gum Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.

Nail Polish Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look?

Bleach Insoluble. Burn down house.


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