Stain-Removal Guide

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Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Report: One In Three Americans Will Get Dessert If Someone Else Does

WASHINGTON—Noting that many of those surveyed reported feeling kind of full but could “probably make room” for ice cream or pie, a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that nearly a third of Americans would be willing to get dessert if someone else does.

Stain-Removal Guide

Blood Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much.

Ink Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?"

Grass Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results.

Mud Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.

Grape Juice Rub stain vigorously with wet paper towel from restroom while saying, "Oh, shit... fuck."

Tomato Sauce Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche?

Coffee Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor.

Wine Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little fucking stain.

Chewing Gum Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.

Nail Polish Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look?

Bleach Insoluble. Burn down house.