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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Stain-Removal Guide

Blood Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much.

Ink Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?"

Grass Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results.

Mud Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.

Grape Juice Rub stain vigorously with wet paper towel from restroom while saying, "Oh, shit... fuck."

Tomato Sauce Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche?

Coffee Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor.

Wine Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little fucking stain.

Chewing Gum Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.

Nail Polish Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look?

Bleach Insoluble. Burn down house.

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