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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Stain-Removal Guide

Blood Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much.

Ink Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?"

Grass Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results.

Mud Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.

Grape Juice Rub stain vigorously with wet paper towel from restroom while saying, "Oh, shit... fuck."

Tomato Sauce Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche?

Coffee Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor.

Wine Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little fucking stain.

Chewing Gum Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.

Nail Polish Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look?

Bleach Insoluble. Burn down house.

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