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Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Stan Van Gundy Draws Up Play In Barbecue Sauce

ORLANDO—During a timeout in Game 4 of Tuesday's Eastern Conference Finals, Magic head coach and barbecue aficionado Stan Van Gundy used the rich, tangy sauce on his index finger to diagram an offensive scheme on his clipboard. "First off, you're going to stack up like...like this rack of ribs, and then you're going to outlet pass me that last piece of cornbread," said Van Gundy, motioning toward Mickael Pietrus while licking at the brownish-red glaze coating his mustache. "Turkoglu, I want you to set a screen where I've set these chunks of pulled pork to, uh, [unintelligible]—this small chunk of pulled pork—near the perimeter. Christ, that's good. Then Dwight [Howard], this chicken drumstick, should be open under the hoop." Although Howard was in fact open in the paint, the center missed the pass, as he was still partially blinded by barbecue sauce that had spattered from Van Gundy's mouth.

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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

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