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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Staples Brings On Extra Staff To Sit Around And Do Nothing For Busy Back-To-School Season

FRAMINGHAM, MA—With the back-to-school shopping season in full swing, office-supply chain Staples announced that it would be hiring thousands of additional sales personnel to mope uselessly around the store and sullenly count the hours until closing. "We found that our usual numbers of bored, vacant-looking floor staff were not adequate to fully ignore the influx of customers," said Staples spokes≠woman Andrea Dalton. "Now, whether shoppers have questions about which backpack is best for a middle- schooler or how long laptops are under warranty, they can find plenty of sales associates who either don't know or don't give a shit." Staples sources confirmed that many stores would also be adding extra cashiers to resentfully process returns.

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