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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Staples Brings On Extra Staff To Sit Around And Do Nothing For Busy Back-To-School Season

FRAMINGHAM, MA—With the back-to-school shopping season in full swing, office-supply chain Staples announced that it would be hiring thousands of additional sales personnel to mope uselessly around the store and sullenly count the hours until closing. "We found that our usual numbers of bored, vacant-looking floor staff were not adequate to fully ignore the influx of customers," said Staples spokes≠woman Andrea Dalton. "Now, whether shoppers have questions about which backpack is best for a middle- schooler or how long laptops are under warranty, they can find plenty of sales associates who either don't know or don't give a shit." Staples sources confirmed that many stores would also be adding extra cashiers to resentfully process returns.

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