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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Star Basketball Player Admits He'd Rather Not Have Ball With Time Winding Down

BOSTON—During a postgame press conference Sunday, Celtics star Paul Pierce told reporters that he does not like having the ball in his hands with time on the clock winding down, saying that the chance to make a buzzer-beater with the game on the line is not what he lives for. "Oh God no, absolutely not," Pierce said when asked if the thought of coming through in the clutch scenario fuels his competitive fire. "When I first started playing basketball I never once dreamed of taking a last-second shot during any basketball game, not during the playoffs and certainly not during Game 7 of the NBA Finals. That's way too much pressure to put on any one individual. When it is do-or-die time, I would much rather pass the ball to one of my teammates and let that be on their head." In the event that he has to take a last-second shot, Pierce said that he doesn't mind when he misses, adding that he takes no satisfaction in quieting the other team's crowd.

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