Star Basketball Player Admits He'd Rather Not Have Ball With Time Winding Down

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Vol 46 Issue 18

Yankees Hat Purchased

WAYNE, NJ—Thirty-six-year-old Ian Althoff, a self-professed casual baseball fan, purchased a fitted New York Yankees baseball cap Monday for the retail price of $33.99.

Phillies Bring In Bruise Specialist

PHILADELPHIA—Phillies manager Charlie Manuel announced Thursday that a bruise specialist from the Johns Hopkins Hospital's contusion trauma center was brought in to examine a third-degree boo-boo on outfielder Shane Victorino's thigh.

Actress, Musician To Wed

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The musician, who was once married to the dancer before divorcing three years ago amid scandal over an Internet sexual intercourse tape, recently attended sex addiction rehab and is described as "ready to settle down" by his lawyer.

Early Marijuana Use Increases Psychosis Risk

A study by the Queensland Brain Institute in Australia showed that young adults who had smoked marijuana for at least six years were twice as likely to suffer delusions, hallucinations, or psychotic episodes.

Bill Russell

In this classic Strongside/Weakside we celebrate a team player who embodied basketball's defensive mindset. Was he any good?
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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Comedy

Star Basketball Player Admits He'd Rather Not Have Ball With Time Winding Down

BOSTON—During a postgame press conference Sunday, Celtics star Paul Pierce told reporters that he does not like having the ball in his hands with time on the clock winding down, saying that the chance to make a buzzer-beater with the game on the line is not what he lives for. "Oh God no, absolutely not," Pierce said when asked if the thought of coming through in the clutch scenario fuels his competitive fire. "When I first started playing basketball I never once dreamed of taking a last-second shot during any basketball game, not during the playoffs and certainly not during Game 7 of the NBA Finals. That's way too much pressure to put on any one individual. When it is do-or-die time, I would much rather pass the ball to one of my teammates and let that be on their head." In the event that he has to take a last-second shot, Pierce said that he doesn't mind when he misses, adding that he takes no satisfaction in quieting the other team's crowd.

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