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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Star Basketball Player Admits He'd Rather Not Have Ball With Time Winding Down

BOSTON—During a postgame press conference Sunday, Celtics star Paul Pierce told reporters that he does not like having the ball in his hands with time on the clock winding down, saying that the chance to make a buzzer-beater with the game on the line is not what he lives for. "Oh God no, absolutely not," Pierce said when asked if the thought of coming through in the clutch scenario fuels his competitive fire. "When I first started playing basketball I never once dreamed of taking a last-second shot during any basketball game, not during the playoffs and certainly not during Game 7 of the NBA Finals. That's way too much pressure to put on any one individual. When it is do-or-die time, I would much rather pass the ball to one of my teammates and let that be on their head." In the event that he has to take a last-second shot, Pierce said that he doesn't mind when he misses, adding that he takes no satisfaction in quieting the other team's crowd.

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