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Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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Starbucks Unveils $7 Wake-Up Slap

SEATTLE—Touting it as an invigorating way to jumpstart your morning, Starbucks on Friday unveiled its new $7 wake-up slap. “This open-handed smack to the face is perfect for those days where you barely dragged yourself out of bed and really need a pick-me-up,” said spokeswoman Gina Barish, adding that the basic palm slap can be boosted with an extra-shot option that includes a stiff backhand across the other cheek. “You can also customize the width of the hand and the brawniness of the barista so you get hit as hard as you need to start your day off energized and ready to roll. You can just walk right up to the counter and get slapped, or have a cashier lean out the convenient drive-thru window and whack you without even having to park.” Barish went on to say that while the slap was a limited-time promotion, it could become a regular menu item along with last season’s five-gallon ice water drenching.

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