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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Starfucker Gives Stephen Baldwin A Hand Job

LOS ANGELES—Celebrity Mole star Stephen Baldwin said he enjoyed having his genitals manually manipulated Saturday at a Veronica Mars after-party by a woman known to engage in intercourse with A-list celebrities. "I could tell this chick remembered me from The Flintstones," Baldwin told a visibly indifferent National Examiner reporter Tuesday. "So I just turned on the charm, stuck to the old guns, and a couple hours later, we're behind the poolhouse and one of her hands is totally down my pants." The woman in question could not be reached for comment and was last seen leaving the party in the company of David Caruso.

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