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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Starfucker Gives Stephen Baldwin A Hand Job

LOS ANGELES—Celebrity Mole star Stephen Baldwin said he enjoyed having his genitals manually manipulated Saturday at a Veronica Mars after-party by a woman known to engage in intercourse with A-list celebrities. "I could tell this chick remembered me from The Flintstones," Baldwin told a visibly indifferent National Examiner reporter Tuesday. "So I just turned on the charm, stuck to the old guns, and a couple hours later, we're behind the poolhouse and one of her hands is totally down my pants." The woman in question could not be reached for comment and was last seen leaving the party in the company of David Caruso.

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