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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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'Stargate SG-1' Fans Disappointed To See Richard Dean Anderson Walk Onto Stage Like A Normal Person

NEW YORK—While explaining they were cognizant that no interstellar portals exist in real life, New York Comic Con attendees voiced frustrations Sunday after seeing Richard Dean Anderson, who played the character Jack O'Neill on Stargate SG-1, walk onto the stage as though he were "just some guy." "Obviously, I wasn't expecting them to build an actual working Stargate for him to walk through, but some flashing lights and dry ice or something would've been nice," said audience member Glenn Culson, who added that seeing Anderson in a Polo shirt and slacks rather than his official SGC team uniform was also somewhat underwhelming. "Or the sound. Just play the sound of the Stargate, at least. It wouldn't have been hard." Some Stargate SG-1 fans pointed out that since O'Neill was promoted and moved to Washington, D.C. in later seasons it actually made sense for Anderson not to utilize the Stargate technology.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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