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A Primer On The Dark Web

With many crimes now originating on encrypted areas of the internet, many wonder about the so-called dark web and its activities. The Onion provides a primer on this obscured digital space:

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.
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Stargazing Tips

The night sky holds countless wonders. Here are some tips to help you make the most of your next stargazing experience:


  • Be in the know about which stars are hot and which are not. Betelguese: hot. Rigel: not. Polaris: hot. Pleiades: not.
  • If the evening you choose to take your kids stargazing turns out to be overcast, maintain their interest by announcing that it is an extremely rare "eclipse of everything."
  • Though astronomy is a relatively safe hobby, keep in mind that stars are very, very hot and will burn for millions of years if left unattended.
  • Remember the "ABCs" of learning about constellations: Always Be learning about Constellations.
  • When contemplating the ineffable grandeur of the universe, nothing sets the mood quite like the airy, transcendent synthesizer sounds of Vangelis.
  • Do not gaze directly at white-hot star Kate Hudson. Instead, poke a pinhole in a sheet of paper, and look at Hudson's outline on another sheet of paper.
  • Some may scoff at the hobby of astronomy, but sitting in an empty field in the middle of winter is a great way to see tiny little dots.
  • Name your baby after a constellation. No one has ever thought of that before.
  • Locate the Virgo cluster. Is it still there? Good... you're like the cop of the universe!
  • Remember: Galileo was an astronomer, and they threw his ass in the clink. Exercise caution.
  • There's one star that's incredibly easy to find. You have to wait until the daytime, though.
  • When stargazing in South Florida, be sure to steer clear of territory controlled by Jack Horkheimer.
  • Next time you go stargazing, bring a girl along. Set up in a field far from the city lights and take turns looking through the telescope. Then, when the right moment comes, kiss her. Kiss her! Don't let the opportunity pass you by–it may never come again! Kiss her! Kiss her!
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    Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

    DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

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