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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Stargazing Tips

The night sky holds countless wonders. Here are some tips to help you make the most of your next stargazing experience:


  • Be in the know about which stars are hot and which are not. Betelguese: hot. Rigel: not. Polaris: hot. Pleiades: not.
  • If the evening you choose to take your kids stargazing turns out to be overcast, maintain their interest by announcing that it is an extremely rare "eclipse of everything."
  • Though astronomy is a relatively safe hobby, keep in mind that stars are very, very hot and will burn for millions of years if left unattended.
  • Remember the "ABCs" of learning about constellations: Always Be learning about Constellations.
  • When contemplating the ineffable grandeur of the universe, nothing sets the mood quite like the airy, transcendent synthesizer sounds of Vangelis.
  • Do not gaze directly at white-hot star Kate Hudson. Instead, poke a pinhole in a sheet of paper, and look at Hudson's outline on another sheet of paper.
  • Some may scoff at the hobby of astronomy, but sitting in an empty field in the middle of winter is a great way to see tiny little dots.
  • Name your baby after a constellation. No one has ever thought of that before.
  • Locate the Virgo cluster. Is it still there? Good... you're like the cop of the universe!
  • Remember: Galileo was an astronomer, and they threw his ass in the clink. Exercise caution.
  • There's one star that's incredibly easy to find. You have to wait until the daytime, though.
  • When stargazing in South Florida, be sure to steer clear of territory controlled by Jack Horkheimer.
  • Next time you go stargazing, bring a girl along. Set up in a field far from the city lights and take turns looking through the telescope. Then, when the right moment comes, kiss her. Kiss her! Don't let the opportunity pass you by–it may never come again! Kiss her! Kiss her!
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