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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

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Stargazing Tips

The night sky holds countless wonders. Here are some tips to help you make the most of your next stargazing experience:


  • Be in the know about which stars are hot and which are not. Betelguese: hot. Rigel: not. Polaris: hot. Pleiades: not.
  • If the evening you choose to take your kids stargazing turns out to be overcast, maintain their interest by announcing that it is an extremely rare "eclipse of everything."
  • Though astronomy is a relatively safe hobby, keep in mind that stars are very, very hot and will burn for millions of years if left unattended.
  • Remember the "ABCs" of learning about constellations: Always Be learning about Constellations.
  • When contemplating the ineffable grandeur of the universe, nothing sets the mood quite like the airy, transcendent synthesizer sounds of Vangelis.
  • Do not gaze directly at white-hot star Kate Hudson. Instead, poke a pinhole in a sheet of paper, and look at Hudson's outline on another sheet of paper.
  • Some may scoff at the hobby of astronomy, but sitting in an empty field in the middle of winter is a great way to see tiny little dots.
  • Name your baby after a constellation. No one has ever thought of that before.
  • Locate the Virgo cluster. Is it still there? Good... you're like the cop of the universe!
  • Remember: Galileo was an astronomer, and they threw his ass in the clink. Exercise caution.
  • There's one star that's incredibly easy to find. You have to wait until the daytime, though.
  • When stargazing in South Florida, be sure to steer clear of territory controlled by Jack Horkheimer.
  • Next time you go stargazing, bring a girl along. Set up in a field far from the city lights and take turns looking through the telescope. Then, when the right moment comes, kiss her. Kiss her! Don't let the opportunity pass you by–it may never come again! Kiss her! Kiss her!