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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Stargazing Tips

The night sky holds countless wonders. Here are some tips to help you make the most of your next stargazing experience:


  • Be in the know about which stars are hot and which are not. Betelguese: hot. Rigel: not. Polaris: hot. Pleiades: not.
  • If the evening you choose to take your kids stargazing turns out to be overcast, maintain their interest by announcing that it is an extremely rare "eclipse of everything."
  • Though astronomy is a relatively safe hobby, keep in mind that stars are very, very hot and will burn for millions of years if left unattended.
  • Remember the "ABCs" of learning about constellations: Always Be learning about Constellations.
  • When contemplating the ineffable grandeur of the universe, nothing sets the mood quite like the airy, transcendent synthesizer sounds of Vangelis.
  • Do not gaze directly at white-hot star Kate Hudson. Instead, poke a pinhole in a sheet of paper, and look at Hudson's outline on another sheet of paper.
  • Some may scoff at the hobby of astronomy, but sitting in an empty field in the middle of winter is a great way to see tiny little dots.
  • Name your baby after a constellation. No one has ever thought of that before.
  • Locate the Virgo cluster. Is it still there? Good... you're like the cop of the universe!
  • Remember: Galileo was an astronomer, and they threw his ass in the clink. Exercise caution.
  • There's one star that's incredibly easy to find. You have to wait until the daytime, though.
  • When stargazing in South Florida, be sure to steer clear of territory controlled by Jack Horkheimer.
  • Next time you go stargazing, bring a girl along. Set up in a field far from the city lights and take turns looking through the telescope. Then, when the right moment comes, kiss her. Kiss her! Don't let the opportunity pass you by–it may never come again! Kiss her! Kiss her!
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