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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Stars Of Canceled Show Terrified Fans Will Raise Money For Movie

LOS ANGELES—Following a recent spate of fan campaigns to revive canceled television series through the crowd-funding website Kickstarter, the cast of the short-lived NBC sitcom Animal Practice told reporters Monday they live in constant fear that fans of the show will raise enough money to turn it into a movie. “To all the viewers who supported our show on NBC and would love to see the next chapter of Animal Practice played out on the big screen, I can only say from the bottom of my heart: Please don’t ever do this,” lead actor Justin Kirk said in a direct plea to fans, noting that the nine-episode sitcom about a misanthropic veterinarian was terrible and that any campaign to revive it would make him and other cast members deeply upset. “I'll say it right here: Being a part of this show was a pretty bad career move and one that I’m trying to move past. Honestly, I would have to say that anyone who is a fan of the show has bad taste and I don’t really have any respect for them. Sorry, but I don’t.” At press time, sources confirmed that Microsoft founder Bill Gates had donated $20 million to the new Kickstarter campaign “Animal Practice Movie Project” with the accompanying note, “Mark my words, this movie will be made.”

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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