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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Stat-Minded Player Recalculating VORP Before Every At Bat

TORONTO—Always mindful of his contributions on offense, Blue Jays shortstop Marco Scutaro has been observed determining his precise value over replacement player (VORP) before every at bat. "Let me see here.... Subtract hits from my total number of at bats, okay, and multiply the league's current average runs per out by my total number of outs so far this year, which is 57. Bring in the old Marginal Lineup Value, and just quickly normalize the numbers with the park factors," Scutaro said to himself while writing mathematical equations in the dirt next to the on-deck circle. "Carry the one. That leaves me with an 8.8, I think. Nice." Scutaro then struck out on three consecutive pitches.

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