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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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State Appoints Obviously Hungover Attorney

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—The State of Indiana appointed a nauseated Bill Fenniman, Esq., as legal counsel to suspected arsonist Tom Shilue Monday. "I reviewed your case, and I'd advise you that, since this is your first offense, that... ooh, man," said Fenniman, shielding his eyes from the fluorescent lights in the room. "Listen, why don't you just plead guilty? You're guilty, right?" Fenniman asked to be excused before the pretrial hearing so that he could grab some juice and a quick nap.

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