State Department To Hold Enemy Tryouts Next Week

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Vol 34 Issue 12

Bourbon Helps Carpet Salesman Forget About Carpeting For Awhile

HOUSTON–Carpet salesman Martin Janowski, 53, was able to forget about carpeting for just a little while Monday after consuming a fifth of Jim Beam Kentucky bourbon. "For a few glorious moments, I cleared my mind of Anso II Stainmaster Plus and Bigelow Dura-Plush carpeting," said Janowski, a 26-year employee of CarpetMart in Houston. "The bourbon made the floor coverings go away. "To help him forget about carpeting tomorrow night, Janowski said he will likely employ Southern Comfort, Johnnie Walker Red, or some combination thereof.

First-Grader Reeks Of Urine

WAUKEGAN, IL–A distinct urine odor was detected in the vicinity of area first-grader Josh Mills Monday. Though the presence of urine was not confirmed, Mills' history of pants-soakage led a majority of classmates and school faculty members to conclude that there was a loss of bladder control on the 6-year-old's part. School psychologist Charlotte Gehl stressed that Mills just moved to Waukegan a few months ago and needs lots of support to help him fit in.

Shark Attack Claims Life Of Some Guy On TV

SOME BEACH–The life of this one guy on TV was cut tragically short Monday when this giant killer shark ripped the shit out of him during a segment of Fox's When Animals Attack IV. "The guy was just swimming and, like, out of nowhere, this huge shark starts totally tearing him apart," said stunned, shaken viewer Jonathan Hassell, 20, who failed to brace himself for the wildest When Animals Attack yet. "I was like, 'Holy shit, dude.'" The one guy's identity is not known.

Morbidly Obese Man Enjoys Disabled Privileges With Motorized Cart

MESA, AZ–Former fat lump of crap Joseph Woodring joined the ranks of the disabled Monday with the purchase of a Rascal(TM)-brand motorized cart. "I am pleased to make the move from morbidly obese to differently abled," said the 410-pound Woodring, careening through EastTowne Mall on his electrically powered whale transporter. "My newfound handicapped status has truly given me a new lease on convenience." Woodring then motored off to the mall's food court for a McRib Deluxe Extra Value Meal.

We Can Have Babies Whenever You Want To

I just want you to know that we can start having babies whenever you want to. Not that we have to have our first one right now, of course. I mean, we always said we wanted to wait until we were ready, and I still do. It's just that we've been married for almost a whole year now. So, I just want you to know that whenever you feel like you're ready to start having the children, just go ahead and tell me.

The Tyson Reinstatement

Last week, a team of psychologists declared boxer Mike Tyson–suspended by the Nevada State Athletic Commission last year for biting off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear–"troubled" but fit to fight. What do you think about Tyson's bid for reinstatement?

I Know What Is Best For Everyone

Listen to me, because I know what is best for everyone. There are a great many problems facing America today, and I have all the answers to all of them.
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State Department To Hold Enemy Tryouts Next Week

WASHINGTON, DC–Taking steps to fill the void that has plagued the American military-industrial complex since the 1991 collapse of the Soviet Union, Secretary of State Madeleine Albright announced Tuesday that the U.S. will hold enemy tryouts next week.

Secretary of State Albright answers reporters' questions about plans to hold open auditions for a new U.S. enemy.

Slated to begin Oct. 26, the tryouts will take place at the Pentagon. More than 40 nations are expected to vie for the role of U.S. adversary, including India, Afghanistan, China, North Korea and Sudan.

The Leading Candidates

"Over the past seven years, the State Department, working closely with the CIA, Congress and the president, has made efforts to establish a longterm state of hostility with a foreign power of consequence," Albright said. "Unfortunately, these efforts have proven unfruitful. If we are to find a new Evil Empire, we must start taking a more proactive approach."

Though tryouts are not until next week, Albright said the State Department has already received a number of impressive preliminary proposals.

"We met with the Syrian representative yesterday, and he promised that Syria would house terrorist enemies of the U.S. and stockpile chemical weapons near the Israeli border," Albright said. "We've also gotten an unexpectedly strong proposal from the Kazakhstani delegation, which says they have four of Russia's missing nuclear missiles and will use them against the U.S. unless we release 450 Kazakhstani Muslim extremists currently held in Western prisons. That was certainly a pleasant surprise."

The decision to hold enemy auditions was made during an Oct. 16 meeting at the Pentagon attended by a number of top military-industrial-complex officials, including Albright, Defense Secretary William Cohen, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Senate Armed Services Committee Chair Strom Thurmond (R-SC) and Lockheed Martin CEO Thomas Reuthven.

"Everyone was of the opinion that an enemy was needed–and fast," said Reuthven, whose company has laid off 14,000 employees since the end of the Cold War. "Nobody wins when there's peace."

State Department To Hold Enemy Tryouts

General Electric CEO Jack Welch, who was also at the meeting, agreed. "Our profits are down 43 percent from 10 years ago. We sold more tritium hydrogen-bomb ICBM/MIRV triggers in 1988 than in the last six years combined," he said. "Something had to be done."

Once the tryouts conclude, Albright said, the State Department will spend a week evaluating the proposals before announcing its choice on Nov. 9. The new U.S. enemy will be formally anointed in a special treaty-breaking ceremony, in which President Clinton and the leader of the rival nation will sever diplomatic ties with the ceremonial burning of 1,000 doves.

Since the end of the Cold War, potential new U.S. enemies have emerged several times, but in each instance, hopes were inevitably dashed by peace. Most promising among the candidates was Iraq, which briefly went to war against the U.S., but a truce was declared before a deep and lasting enmity could take root.

Tuesday's announcement was hailed by leaders of numerous U.S. institutions, including the motion-picture industry, whose action films have suffered from the absence of a global antagonist.

"Hopefully, there will be an enemy soon," Paramount Pictures vice-president of development Mort Glazer said. "During the past few years, in the absence of a Soviet Union or a Nazi Germany, Hollywood has been forced to pit American heroes against uncompelling enemies like the IRA. A $250 million-grossing film like Rambo or Top Gun is simply not possible in today's climate of global détente."

The lack of a clearly identifiable foreign nemesis has taken a toll on the American populace, as well: In the years since the fall of the Soviet Union, Americans have been forced to find other outlets for their deepest insecurities and fears. "Without an outward threat like the USSR, Americans have had to channel their anxieties about life into a wide range of other, less concrete things, including space aliens, drinking water, sexuality and our own government," psychotherapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum said. "If a new national enemy is not found soon, the trend will only worsen."

Speaking to reporters, McDonnell Douglas CEO Richard Klingbell said the State Department should have foreseen the possibility of peace and taken steps to avoid it years ago.

"For decades, we took Soviet aggression and the arms race for granted," Klingbell said. "We failed to realize that one day it might all come to an end. We failed to sow the seeds of future foreign discord, for our children's sake. Thankfully, though, we're finally setting things straight. We're finally remembering that to make it in this world, you've got to have enemies."

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