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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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State Of The Union Preceded By Memoriam Reel Of Americans Lost In Past Year

WASHINGTON—Prior to President Obama’s annual State of the Union address Tuesday night, audience members in the House chamber were presented with a touching “In Memoriam” video in remembrance of all the Americans who died in 2012. “It was a fitting tribute to all those who were sadly taken away from us far too soon,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said shortly after the conclusion of the poignant video, in which photos and names of the 2.6 million deceased Americans who died in 2012 were shown one-by-one on a large screen as Judy Garland’s rendition of “Smile” played on the sound system. “We will certainly never forget their many contributions to our nation.” At press time, the segment had been heavily criticized for failing to include Layton, UT resident Jonathan Sonnen, Denver resident Sarah Kaplan, and Gore Vidal.

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