State Of The Union Preceded By Memoriam Reel Of Americans Lost In Past Year

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

State Of The Union Preceded By Memoriam Reel Of Americans Lost In Past Year

WASHINGTON—Prior to President Obama’s annual State of the Union address Tuesday night, audience members in the House chamber were presented with a touching “In Memoriam” video in remembrance of all the Americans who died in 2012. “It was a fitting tribute to all those who were sadly taken away from us far too soon,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said shortly after the conclusion of the poignant video, in which photos and names of the 2.6 million deceased Americans who died in 2012 were shown one-by-one on a large screen as Judy Garland’s rendition of “Smile” played on the sound system. “We will certainly never forget their many contributions to our nation.” At press time, the segment had been heavily criticized for failing to include Layton, UT resident Jonathan Sonnen, Denver resident Sarah Kaplan, and Gore Vidal.

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