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Best Of October 2015

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

Obama Follows White Stallion Into Moonlit Rose Garden

WASHINGTON—After waking to a faint rustle of hooves upon fallen leaves and peering out his window to glimpse a silvery mane in the distant mist, President Barack Obama reportedly followed a white stallion through the White House Rose Garden in the early moonlit hours of Thursday morning.

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

ROSEBURG, OR—In the hours following a violent rampage in southwestern Oregon in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured seven others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.
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State’s Abortion Waiting Period Allows Women To Explore Alternatives To Making Their Own Decisions

RALEIGH, NC—Saying the law provides women with an opportunity to carefully consider all their options, North Carolina officials today praised the state’s abortion waiting period for allowing women to explore alternatives to making their own decisions. “We want to make sure any woman seeking an abortion has ample opportunity to reconsider determining for herself what is best for her body,” said state spokesman Jeremy Neumark, adding that the mandatory 72-hour waiting period gives women the time needed to weigh alternatives to the difficult choice that they had already made and now simply wished to carry out. “When a woman comes to her doctor for an abortion, we know she’s arrived at that choice as the result of a lengthy and often painful decision-making process, and we’d like to respect that by giving her some additional time to second-guess herself.” Neumark went on to say that any woman who has decided to not have an abortion is encouraged to trust her own judgment on such an important and personal matter.


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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

ROSEBURG, OR—In the hours following a violent rampage in southwestern Oregon in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured seven others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.

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