Stay Of Execution Squandered Again

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Vol 41 Issue 29

Space Shuttle Delay

Last week, the scheduled launch of the space shuttle Discovery was aborted two hours before liftoff. What caused the delay?

Anonymous Source: 'I'm A Cowardly Snitch'

NEW YORK—An unidentified lawyer and lobbyist revealed Monday that a "sniveling yellow streak" led him to anonymously divulge U.S. State Department misconduct. "I am a blubbering cream puff with no guts whatsoever," said the source, 44, who wished to remain anonymous. "People should know what officials are doing, but I'm a big baby, and I can't risk my job or reputation by revealing my identity." The source spoke to reporters in a dark parking garage, then disappeared into the blackness.

Parasites Just Getting The Hang Of How Host Does Things

MACON, GA—Tapeworms recently introduced into Susan Rabidovitch's digestive tract will need time to get acclimated to their new environment, insiders reported Monday. "They just got set up with Susan, so now they're hanging out, getting a feel for what she likes to eat and when," Dr. Matthew Hyam said. "Soon, they'll jibe with Susan's taste for Indian food and come to expect her late-night Chunky Monkey binges, but for now, they're just gorging themselves while they learn what makes their new host tick." Hyam explained that the parasites may need a 10-week "getting to know Susan" period before beginning to release their full capacity of 50,000 eggs per day into her small intestine.

Man Who Lost Leg To Whale Decides To Let It Go

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Sources close to 58-year-old Samuel Rahal, a commercial fishing-boat captain who lost his right leg in a great-white-whale attack last March, announced Monday that he has put the incident behind him and is getting on with his life. "The first to guess the score of next Tuesday's Red Sox game gets this golden coin!" Rahal told his crew as he nailed a Sacagawea dollar to the cabin of his trawler. "Now, let's get this boat full of haddock so we can call it an early day." Rahal said he plans to replace his custom-made whalebone prosthesis with an OrthoPro with flex-foot and hydraulic knee.

Marine Corps Shortens Slogan To 'The Few'

WASHINGTON, DC—In light of recruiting shortfalls, a near standstill in re-enlistment, and rock-bottom troop morale, U.S. Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Michael Hagee announced Monday that the Marines will alter their unofficial slogan, abbreviating it to the more accurate "The Few." Hagee said, "We are still the Marines, the premier combat arm of the U.S. military." The Marines will also change their motto to Semper Fidelis, Sic Non Sapienti, or "Always Faithful, But This Is Just Ridiculous."

Hospital Infections

According to a Pennsylvania study released last week, nearly 12,000 people contracted infections during hospital stays last year. What do you think?

Local Company Moves Production Underseas

NEWARK, NJ—In an effort to revitalize the company after years of stagnant profits, BakeCo Inc., makers of Good Twist Pretzels and Fluffy Brand Cream Cakes, announced plans Monday to move their Newark-based production facility underseas.
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Stay Of Execution Squandered Again

FLORENCE, AZ—James "Jimbo" Creasey, 38, a death-row inmate at Arizona State Prison Complex-Florence, said Monday that he "feels pretty lousy" about wasting his most recent stay of execution, granted April 12.

Creasey in his cell, moments after receiving his most recent notice from the court.

"It kinda sucks," said Creasey, who was sentenced to death in 1995 for the murders of three Arizona State sorority girls. "When the word came down that my execution had been postponed, it seemed like I had so much time. But then, the next thing you know, two months have gone by, and you've only got a few days to live."

U.S. District Judge David Oliver granted Creasey his stay on a legal technicality five days prior to the inmate's scheduled execution date. Creasey said he neglected his unofficial plan to "pick up around his cell" and began sleeping 14 hours each day.

"I guess I could still make the most of my remaining days," Creasey said. "I could enter the prison checkers tournament, but I'll be dead before the semifinals."

Creasey said he had also intended to mail a 10-page letter to his common-law wife Doris and finish the James Clavell novel Shogun.

"It's not that I haven't enjoyed these months," Creasey said. "It's just, the time goes so fast. You end up staring at some rat running along the wall, thinking about how that rat is like you—you get lost in your thoughts, and then the next thing you know, the whole weekend is shot."

Continued Creasey: "If I get another stay, which I probably won't, I'm going to try to finish that skull tattoo on my arm—something I was planning on doing when I got stay number two."

Creasey said he most regrets not having played more poker.

"After Stony Mike [Jawarski] died in the infirmary, I meant to hang out in the common areas more," Creasey said. "But it just didn't happen."

Creasey, who has spent most of his adult life in prison for crimes ranging from assault with a deadly weapon to murder, said he frequently failed to realize his goals outside of prison, as well.

"I'd follow a college girl for a few hours intending to work out all the angles and really do it right," Creasey said. "But then I'd get impatient and barge into her place knives-a-blazing, like 'dorm security cameras who?' Talk about not thinking things through—and why the hell did I leave my semen all over the crime scene and get all hopped up on meth beforehand? Man, if I only had a time machine..."

Barring another stay, Creasey will be executed by lethal injection on July 23.

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