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Stay Of Execution Squandered Again

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Stay Of Execution Squandered Again

FLORENCE, AZ—James "Jimbo" Creasey, 38, a death-row inmate at Arizona State Prison Complex-Florence, said Monday that he "feels pretty lousy" about wasting his most recent stay of execution, granted April 12.

Creasey in his cell, moments after receiving his most recent notice from the court.

"It kinda sucks," said Creasey, who was sentenced to death in 1995 for the murders of three Arizona State sorority girls. "When the word came down that my execution had been postponed, it seemed like I had so much time. But then, the next thing you know, two months have gone by, and you've only got a few days to live."

U.S. District Judge David Oliver granted Creasey his stay on a legal technicality five days prior to the inmate's scheduled execution date. Creasey said he neglected his unofficial plan to "pick up around his cell" and began sleeping 14 hours each day.

"I guess I could still make the most of my remaining days," Creasey said. "I could enter the prison checkers tournament, but I'll be dead before the semifinals."

Creasey said he had also intended to mail a 10-page letter to his common-law wife Doris and finish the James Clavell novel Shogun.

"It's not that I haven't enjoyed these months," Creasey said. "It's just, the time goes so fast. You end up staring at some rat running along the wall, thinking about how that rat is like you—you get lost in your thoughts, and then the next thing you know, the whole weekend is shot."

Continued Creasey: "If I get another stay, which I probably won't, I'm going to try to finish that skull tattoo on my arm—something I was planning on doing when I got stay number two."

Creasey said he most regrets not having played more poker.

"After Stony Mike [Jawarski] died in the infirmary, I meant to hang out in the common areas more," Creasey said. "But it just didn't happen."

Creasey, who has spent most of his adult life in prison for crimes ranging from assault with a deadly weapon to murder, said he frequently failed to realize his goals outside of prison, as well.

"I'd follow a college girl for a few hours intending to work out all the angles and really do it right," Creasey said. "But then I'd get impatient and barge into her place knives-a-blazing, like 'dorm security cameras who?' Talk about not thinking things through—and why the hell did I leave my semen all over the crime scene and get all hopped up on meth beforehand? Man, if I only had a time machine..."

Barring another stay, Creasey will be executed by lethal injection on July 23.

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