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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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STD Had Awesome Time On Spring Break

PANAMA CITY, FL—Following a weeklong vacation in Florida, local sexually transmitted disease gonorrhea announced it had an awesome time during this year’s spring break. “Oh man, PCB was the best—I was at a new party practically every night and met a ton of cool people,” said the common bacteria-based genital tract infection, noting that most of the dozens of coeds it encountered at a local Days Inn were so drunk they probably barely even remember meeting the contagious disease. “I mean, some of the people you meet during spring break are cool to hook up with for one or two nights, but I’m always looking for the relationships that last for life. Those are what really count.” Gonorrhea went on to say that while spring break may be over, it definitely plans to get back in touch with that blonde from Ohio State sometime very soon.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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