Steeler Defense Renamed 'Mid-Level White-Collar Curtain' To More Accurately Reflect Contemporary Pittsburgh

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Vol 45 Issue 05

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

SHERIDAN, OR—"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" First-time inmate Martin Hayes asked. "Sit-Ups? Did some already. And I finished the book I brought with me."

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The second set of octuplets born in the United States is doing well, with all reportedly breathing on their own. What do you think?
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    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Steeler Defense Renamed 'Mid-Level White-Collar Curtain' To More Accurately Reflect Contemporary Pittsburgh

TAMPA BAY, FL—Just days before the Super Bowl, the Pittsburgh Steelers' public relations department announced that the team's vaunted "Steel Curtain" defense would be renamed to more accurately reflect their city's current vocational demographics.

"With the sunset of the foundry era in Pittsburgh an acknowledged reality, it was time to take a serious look at team nicknames," media relations director Tina McClary said. "After reviewing Pittsburgh's current position as a leader in financial services, health-care management, and corporate administration, we settled on the 'Mid-Level White-Collar Curtain' or 'Middle Management' as the new nickname for our defense. As usual, our offense will have no particular nickname." McClary would not speculate on whether or not the team would change the Steeler name itself, but admitted that executives had looked at uniform designs for the Pittsburgh Retailers, the Pittsburgh Biomedical Technicians, and the Pittsburgh Eighth-Most Fortune 500 Company Corporate Headquarters Hosters.

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