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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Steeler Defense Renamed 'Mid-Level White-Collar Curtain' To More Accurately Reflect Contemporary Pittsburgh

TAMPA BAY, FL—Just days before the Super Bowl, the Pittsburgh Steelers' public relations department announced that the team's vaunted "Steel Curtain" defense would be renamed to more accurately reflect their city's current vocational demographics.

"With the sunset of the foundry era in Pittsburgh an acknowledged reality, it was time to take a serious look at team nicknames," media relations director Tina McClary said. "After reviewing Pittsburgh's current position as a leader in financial services, health-care management, and corporate administration, we settled on the 'Mid-Level White-Collar Curtain' or 'Middle Management' as the new nickname for our defense. As usual, our offense will have no particular nickname." McClary would not speculate on whether or not the team would change the Steeler name itself, but admitted that executives had looked at uniform designs for the Pittsburgh Retailers, the Pittsburgh Biomedical Technicians, and the Pittsburgh Eighth-Most Fortune 500 Company Corporate Headquarters Hosters.

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