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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Steeler Defense Renamed 'Mid-Level White-Collar Curtain' To More Accurately Reflect Contemporary Pittsburgh

TAMPA BAY, FL—Just days before the Super Bowl, the Pittsburgh Steelers' public relations department announced that the team's vaunted "Steel Curtain" defense would be renamed to more accurately reflect their city's current vocational demographics.

"With the sunset of the foundry era in Pittsburgh an acknowledged reality, it was time to take a serious look at team nicknames," media relations director Tina McClary said. "After reviewing Pittsburgh's current position as a leader in financial services, health-care management, and corporate administration, we settled on the 'Mid-Level White-Collar Curtain' or 'Middle Management' as the new nickname for our defense. As usual, our offense will have no particular nickname." McClary would not speculate on whether or not the team would change the Steeler name itself, but admitted that executives had looked at uniform designs for the Pittsburgh Retailers, the Pittsburgh Biomedical Technicians, and the Pittsburgh Eighth-Most Fortune 500 Company Corporate Headquarters Hosters.

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