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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Steelers Fans

STRENGTHS: Somehow pull off rooting for a team that always wins without coming off like Patriots fans; good at waving things, spinning things; best fans in the world

WEAKNESSES: Still sort of like Terry Bradshaw; still sort of cheer for Ben Roethlisberger; even the personal towels in their homes are pretty terrible

CATCHPHRASE: "Yeaaahhhaarrryawooaghrghggh!!!"

RESPOND WELL TO: Being told to make noise; being told to make more noise

INFLUENCES: Sam Kinison; Attica Prison riot; howler monkeys

NEXT: Aaron Rodgers

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