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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Steelers Fans

STRENGTHS: Somehow pull off rooting for a team that always wins without coming off like Patriots fans; good at waving things, spinning things; best fans in the world

WEAKNESSES: Still sort of like Terry Bradshaw; still sort of cheer for Ben Roethlisberger; even the personal towels in their homes are pretty terrible

CATCHPHRASE: "Yeaaahhhaarrryawooaghrghggh!!!"

RESPOND WELL TO: Being told to make noise; being told to make more noise

INFLUENCES: Sam Kinison; Attica Prison riot; howler monkeys

NEXT: Aaron Rodgers

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