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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Steelers Jersey Worn To Pirates Game

PITTSBURGH—Despite the football season having ended nearly five months ago, and the absence of Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward from the Pirates' 40-man roster, local resident Heath Janoski, 28, wore Ward's No. 86 Steelers jersey to Wednesday night's Pittsburgh Pirates–St. Louis Cardinals baseball game. "I don't really own any Pirates stuff," said Janoski, who also brought a Terrible Towel and a "Cleveland Sucks" billboard to the nine-inning contest. "I think I had a Pirate Parrot doll when I was younger, but I'm pretty sure I ripped its head off when they didn't make the World Series in 1992." With the Pirates up to bat in the bottom of the third inning, Janoski started a "Here we go Steelers" chant which was immediately taken up by the 13,000 fans in attendance and repeated sporadically throughout the rest of the game.

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