Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Steinbrenner Names Johnny Damon As New Yankee Scapegoat

NEW YORK—Continuing a Yankee tradition that dates back to the teams of the early '80s, owner George Steinbrenner formally appointed recently signed centerfielder Johnny Damon as the team's new scapegoat.

"This position comes with a lot of responsibility, as the scapegoat will be held personally accountable for every loss this season," Steinbrenner said in a statement Tuesday. "Even though he is new to the city and organization, and he is coming over from our division rival Boston Red Sox, and he has yet to play a single game in a Yankee uniform, I am confident that these factors will only facilitate Johnny Damon's transition into this role."

"If the Yankees start losing—God forbid—then at the very least, the players, the fans, the New York media, and myself can take comfort in knowing the exact reason why," Steinbrenner added.

According to Steinbrenner's statement, Damon exhibits all the qualities he looks for in a Yankee scapegoat, including lofty expectations, high salary, and a controversial personality that can be construed as being bad for the team's dynamics should the Yankees fall into second place.

Damon, whose jersey will be adorned with a small bulls-eye stitched below the left shoulder, said he welcomed the opportunity to be the most important fall guy on the Yankee ballclub.

"It's a privilege to be singled out in this fashion, especially when there are so many other deserving candidates on this team—Randy Johnson, Alex Rodriguez, Carl Pavano, the list goes on," Damon said. "To come here and immediately have such great expectations thrust upon you to the point where every error, weak throw, or strikeout is viewed as the be all and end all of this team's entire season is a true honor, and…well, I guess the reason I joined the Yankees in the first place."

"But I do want to reiterate that this is still Derek's team as long as we're winning," Damon added.

Although Damon admitted that his natural reaction was to "just run out there and get injured on a stupid play in spring training," he decided he would take his new all-encompassing responsibility one loss at a time.

"Anyone can come up with a clutch detrimental incident that the fans and media will remember all season and point to as the reason for the Yankees' demise, such as a bases-loaded double play in a playoff game, a season-ending injury that occurs during an off-the-field basketball game, or even a steroid scandal like with [former Yankee scapegoat] Jason [Giambi]," Damon said. "But a real scapegoat will be out there for every single loss, playing a key role in every bonehead play, and truly leading the sports section of the New York Post day in and day out."

Damon said he intends to evenly distribute instances of lackadaisical defense, mental errors, and baserunning miscues, stressing that, although they will be harmless blunders that every player makes, they will come at the "worst possible times," such as right when the Yankees appear to be embarking on a winning streak, during nationally televised Yankee-Red Sox matchups, or in playoff-implication games down the stretch.

Other members of Yankees, upon hearing the news that Damon received the title of scapegoat, reacted with excitement and relief.

"I think Johnny will make a great scapegoat—I know I would crumble under all that responsibility," said Damon's teammate Alex Rodriguez. "I couldn't be happier."

"Even though Johnny's off-the-wall persona will likely appear to be refreshing at first, particularly if we get off to a hot start, it's very possible that his clubhouse presence could be damaging to the Yankees' playoff hopes, especially if Boston's pitching stays healthy and the Blue Jays' big spending this winter pays off," manager Joe Torre said. "It's admirable and convenient that he's accepting responsibility for this ahead of time."

In response to Steinbrenner's move, Red Sox GM Theo Epstein retaliated by also naming Johnny Damon as the new Red Sox scapegoat, saying that, should the Red Sox fail to make the postseason, the Boston media and fans should pin the blame on Damon for leaving the team for the rival Yankees last December.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.