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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Stephen A. Smith's Dismissive Attitude Toward Hockey Gets People To Like Hockey

NEW YORK—ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith recently made several dismissive remarks about ice hockey this week, causing Americans across the country to flock to the sport in droves, sources confirmed Sunday. “Up until about a week ago, I never cared about hockey one way or the other, but ever since I saw Stephen A. Smith criticize the game, I’ve been a huge fan,” said local man Paul Bradford, echoing the sentiment of millions of Americans, who since the polemical sportscaster derided hockey have fanatically followed every wrinkle of the newly popular sport. “He said he doesn’t like it when a hockey game is low-scoring. Well, I love when that happens. Because I love hockey. It’s my favorite sport.” Bradford added that, in a further show of solidarity against any and all of Smith’s viewpoints, he and the rest of the nation would continue not watching the NBA.

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