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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Stephen Baldwin's Personal Assistant Promoted To Stephen Baldwin

LOS ANGELES—After two years of performing management and coordination tasks at an "exceptional level," Stephen Baldwin's personal assistant, Matthew Phillips, was rewarded for his efforts when he agreed to take over the position of Stephen Baldwin Thursday. "We really wanted to hire from within for this opening, and Matthew was a natural choice," said publicist Melina Disanto, adding that the 33-year-old Phillips is the first person who comes to mind when she thinks of Stephen Baldwin. "Although this new position doesn't come with a pay raise or more benefits, it actually has fewer responsibilities than Matthew's old job." According to Stephen Baldwin sources, Stephen Baldwin applied for the Stephen Baldwin personal assistant position but was turned down.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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