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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Stephen Hawking Reportedly Working On Juicy Tell-All Formula

CAMBRIDGE, UNITED KINGDOM—Suggesting that the revelatory new work would “completely shake things up” and “get everyone talking,” Cambridge University sources close to Stephen Hawking reported Thursday that the world-renowned theoretical physicist and cosmologist was working on a new juicy tell-all formula. “Be prepared to be wowed, because at long last, Stephen is ready to reveal every last detail,” said publicist Anne Lemont, who added that Hawking’s eye-popping and wide-ranging new mathematical model would spare nothing and would be written “in a way only Stephen Hawking can.” “Everyone’s deepest, most burning questions—including many questions people didn’t even think to ask—will be answered in this absolutely jaw-dropping new equation. It’s going to blow the lid off of everything, and I mean everything.” Lemont went on to state that, in advance of publishing the entire formula, the physicist would be releasing a single line of the equation hinting at a hidden unification of the strong and weak nuclear forces that he promises “will blow everyone’s fucking minds.”

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