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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Steve Nash Calls Second Consecutive MVP Award 'Some Kind Of Sick Joke'

PHOENIX—Upon receiving his second straight MVP award on Monday, Phoenix Suns point guard Steve Nash accused the NBA of "being out to make a fool of [him]." "Listen, it was kind of funny the first time. I mean, I can take a joke. My family was quite embarrassed, but that's beside the point," Nash told those gathered at the ceremony. "But this is just getting ridiculous. Look, I get it—I'm short, white, and Canadian. Ha ha, real fuckin' funny. You sick bastards. Did Amare Stoudemire put you up to this?" When asked about the chances of him winning a third MVP award in as many years, Nash emitted a terse laugh while glaring at the reporters and drumming his fingers on the podium.

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