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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Steve Nash Calls Second Consecutive MVP Award 'Some Kind Of Sick Joke'

PHOENIX—Upon receiving his second straight MVP award on Monday, Phoenix Suns point guard Steve Nash accused the NBA of "being out to make a fool of [him]." "Listen, it was kind of funny the first time. I mean, I can take a joke. My family was quite embarrassed, but that's beside the point," Nash told those gathered at the ceremony. "But this is just getting ridiculous. Look, I get it—I'm short, white, and Canadian. Ha ha, real fuckin' funny. You sick bastards. Did Amare Stoudemire put you up to this?" When asked about the chances of him winning a third MVP award in as many years, Nash emitted a terse laugh while glaring at the reporters and drumming his fingers on the podium.

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