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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Steve Nash Has Emotional Goodbye With Host Family

PHOENIX—With his Suns season over and a new team likely in the future for free agent Steve Nash, the Canadian point guard spent an emotional final day with his American host family, the Berkleys, Sunday. "Steve has been such a joy to have around, so polite and such a great role model for [our son] Ben," said Lisa Berkley, Nash’s host mother, who Nash claimed makes the best mac and cheese he’s ever tasted. "He struggled to adjust a bit at first—there were a lot of tears that first year—but eventually people stopped picking on him and he really became part of the family. I’m going to miss driving him to practice every morning." Nash, who will be returning to his home country for the summer, said he expects to find hosts in another city in time for next season, adding that he hopes his next family lets him stay up just as late playing Xbox 360 as the Berkleys did.

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