adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Steve Nash Sarcastically Asks Shaq To Slow Down

PORTLAND—In the midst of four consecutive fast breaks during their Tuesday night game against the Trailblazers, Phoenix Suns guard Steve Nash repeatedly voiced scathingly sarcastic comments regarding newly acquired teammate Shaquille O'Neal's lack of speed. "Whoa, slow down there, big fella! You're making us all look bad!" said Nash as he and the other three Suns players on the court ran past a hunched-over O'Neal during another breakaway. "Somebody reign in Lightning there! Hey, Shaq, we're really gonna need you to stand around and miss free throws for us in the playoffs, so don't blow your wad just yet." Nash often makes similar remarks when the teammates are eating meals together, usually without the sarcasm.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close