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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Steve Young Suffers Concussion Attempting To Explain Final Call In Packers, Seahawks Game

SEATTLE—ESPN medical personnel confirmed Tuesday that analyst Steve Young suffered a traumatic brain injury Monday night while attempting to explain the referees’ confusing ruling of a touchdown on the last play of the Packers, Seahawks game. “It’s evident that the replacement referees’ questionable, game-deciding call exerted a significant amount of trauma on Mr. Young’s brain and caused him to temporarily lose consciousness while attempting to grasp the rationale of calling that play a touchdown,” said neurologist Richard Spencer, adding that the woozy Young was helped off the ESPN broadcasting set immediately following his disoriented plea for the NFL to bring back the regular officials. "Given Mr. Young's history, this is certainly serious. It’s not surprising that he’s exhibiting signs of cognitive impairment. That ball was intercepted." As of Tuesday morning, Young was reportedly resting comfortably at the Harbor View Medical Center saying that the last thing he remembers from Monday night was Golden Tate pushing a defender squarely in the back and knocking him to the ground before the final pass came down.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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