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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Steve Young Suffers Concussion Attempting To Explain Final Call In Packers, Seahawks Game

SEATTLE—ESPN medical personnel confirmed Tuesday that analyst Steve Young suffered a traumatic brain injury Monday night while attempting to explain the referees’ confusing ruling of a touchdown on the last play of the Packers, Seahawks game. “It’s evident that the replacement referees’ questionable, game-deciding call exerted a significant amount of trauma on Mr. Young’s brain and caused him to temporarily lose consciousness while attempting to grasp the rationale of calling that play a touchdown,” said neurologist Richard Spencer, adding that the woozy Young was helped off the ESPN broadcasting set immediately following his disoriented plea for the NFL to bring back the regular officials. "Given Mr. Young's history, this is certainly serious. It’s not surprising that he’s exhibiting signs of cognitive impairment. That ball was intercepted." As of Tuesday morning, Young was reportedly resting comfortably at the Harbor View Medical Center saying that the last thing he remembers from Monday night was Golden Tate pushing a defender squarely in the back and knocking him to the ground before the final pass came down.

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