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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Steven Spielberg Claims He Dislikes Black Actors To Get Out Of Cannes Jury Duty

CANNES, FRANCE—In a brazen attempt to avoid serving jury duty and missing work days, film director and head festival juror Steven Spielberg told the organizing committee of the 2013 Cannes Film Festival that he strongly dislikes black actors. “I feel compelled to report to you that I have a personal bias against black actors and actresses that would necessarily impair my ability to carry out judicial responsibilities at the Cannes International Film Festival with integrity, impartiality, and competence,” Spielberg reportedly told Cannes officials, adding that he has always held these views and that he would therefore be a “poor choice” to judge films fairly over the next 12 days. “Since I do not wish my strong opinions on race to sway, obstruct, or in any way influence the jury’s final verdict, I recommend that you replace me with an alternate, such as acclaimed director and producer Ron Howard, for instance.” At press time, sources confirmed that skeptical officials had denied Spielberg’s motion for recusal and the director had sullenly accepted his $40 daily stipend.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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