adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Still-Rattled Padraig Harrington Wears Golf Shoes To Airport, Gets On Wrong Flight, Forgets Name

PAPILLION, NE—Four days after a disappointing final round at the Bridgestone Invitational, during which he gave up a three-shot lead to Tiger Woods, frazzled PGA Tour player Padraig Harrington has been unable to recover from the traumatic loss and is currently wandering aimlessly around a small Nebraska town, completely unaware of who he is or where he is supposed to be.

"I…um…golf?" Harrington said when local police officers, who found the golfer outside a nearby rest stop, tried to explain to the three-time major champion why he was holding a putter. "All I had to do was…. All I had—Tiger Woods. Tiger fucking Woods."

"He's in my head," Harington continued through muffled sobs while massaging his right temple. "He's in there. Somebody get him out. I said get him out!"

Harrington, who was poised to win his first PGA Tour event of the year, had a one-shot lead over Woods entering the difficult 660-yard par-five 16th hole. But a slow-play warning, coupled with Woods' immaculate 8-iron third shot, apparently threw Harrington off his game, causing the Irishman to make an embarrassing triple-bogey eight.

Unable to put the misstep behind him, Harrington grew increasingly rattled, and had to be reminded several times to hit his drive on the following hole. Later in the match, last year's PGA Champion asked tournament officials if he could just skip putting altogether, and spent the majority of his time on the par-four 18th staring into a greenside bunker.

At one point, a severely disorientated Harrington asked an official to escort from the premises the "strange man with the golf bag who keeps following me."

After completing his round, Harrington reportedly wandered off the golf course and onto I-77, traveling all the way to the Akron Canton Airport, where he booked the first available departing flight.

"He just handed me his credit card and said, 'Anywhere—anywhere but here,'" US Airways employee Erin Matthews said. "When I gave him his card back, he threw it in the garbage can, along with his wallet, a bunch of golf tees, and his shirt. He said it was stiflingly hot in the airport, but we had the AC up all the way."

According to sources, the former British Open winner was last seen Wendesday at a Dick's Sporting Goods in Papillion, NE, gazing at a life-size cardboard cutout of a smiling Woods.

Eyewitnesses said they detected a small string of saliva dangling from Harrington's otherwise expressionless mouth just before he removed a driver from a display rack and destroyed the facsimile of Woods.

"He kept mumbling, 'I should have taken my time. I should have taken my time,' store manager Tom Shroyer told reporters, adding that Harrington was unable to recall his home address, telephone number, or place of birth. "Damn right he should have taken his time. Hell, even I could have made bogey from where he was behind the green."

A number of PGA players besides Harrington have crumbled recently under the pressure of being paired with the world's No. 1–ranked golfer. Anthony Kim gave up a two-shot lead to Woods at this year's AT&T; National and was found the following week working at a Baskin-Robbins in Charlotte, NC under the name Jim Smith. Golfer Sean O'Hair blames Woods' tournament-winning birdie at this year's Bay Hill Invitational for the recent crumbling of his marriage. And in 2000, the entire PGA Tour was put on 24-hour suicide watch after Woods won the U.S. Open by 15 shots.

"Get it together, Padraig," Harrington was overheard saying to nobody in particular at the police station. "Just get it together. You're gonna be fine, everything's fine, okay? Fine."

"Deep breaths. Nice deep breaths," Harrington continued. "Okay. I'm ready to play the 17th hole now."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close