adBlockCheck

Recent News

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

Still Some Nutella Left In Jar, Reports Depression

The psychiatric disorder claimed the jar was certifiably not empty, “unlike your entire pitiful life.”
The psychiatric disorder claimed the jar was certifiably not empty, “unlike your entire pitiful life.”

TIGARD, OR—Citing the fact that having another spoonful or two wasn't going to make much of a difference at this point anyway, a crippling bout of clinical depression reported Tuesday there was definitely still some Nutella left in that jar.

According to the cluster of symptoms relating to persistent anxiety and low self-esteem, it looks as if there's a little left on the lid as well.

"No need to let perfectly good Nutella go to waste, and God knows you've already plowed through almost an entire jar of this junk like some sort of pathetic animal," said what has been classified by doctors as a chronic major depression, adding that the chocolate-hazelnut spread was delicious and "the only thing that makes the pain go away." "Why the hell not, right? After all, what's the point of stopping now?"

Added the severely under-medicated syndrome, "What's the point of anything, really?"

After determining decisively there was, in fact, still a little Nutella left in the jar, the steadily worsening psychiatric mood disorder deliberated momentarily before deciding the best course of action would be to just stick a couple of fingers in there and scoop it out that way, "because fuck it."

The recurrent lowered levels of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine that were passed down through genetic inheritance then paused and spent approximately three and a half minutes wondering what the hell could possibly be gained from this endless cycle of self-pity, and how a human being could be so worthless and bereft of dignity as to eat an entire jar of Nutella in one sitting.

"What an absolute waste of space—I suppose a three-hour nap in the middle of a goddamned Tuesday is in order next, eh?" remarked the depressive mind-state, mere seconds away from simultaneously triggering the biological mechanisms for panic and tear production. "Sure, go ahead. It's not like anyone cares what you do—they all hate you anyway."

As the last of the Nutella spread was procured from the bottom of the jar, the affective disorder announced that perhaps "disappearing forever" would be the best course of action at this point, reasoning that life wasn't going to get any better anyway, and that the essential hopelessness of existence was, at press time, undeniable.

The chronic condition then expressed deep, overwhelming shame and self-hatred over the spoon having been clumsily knocked onto the floor.

"Okay, okay, pull it together," said the mental illness, responding to increased oxygen in the bloodstream while repeatedly emphasizing in a dead monotone that "it's not about the spoon." "Things have been bad before, and they've always gotten better, right? It's all about mind over matter. So what if life is sad? Fucking get over it like everyone else does and stop being a pussy."

"Just…don't be this way," continued the neurosis, again triggering the process of tear production. "Feel better now. Please just feel better."

Sources reported the multi-symptom clinical state then recommended checking the Nutella jar one more time to see if there was anything left in there.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close