adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Still Some Nutella Left In Jar, Reports Depression

The psychiatric disorder claimed the jar was certifiably not empty, “unlike your entire pitiful life.”
The psychiatric disorder claimed the jar was certifiably not empty, “unlike your entire pitiful life.”

TIGARD, OR—Citing the fact that having another spoonful or two wasn't going to make much of a difference at this point anyway, a crippling bout of clinical depression reported Tuesday there was definitely still some Nutella left in that jar.

According to the cluster of symptoms relating to persistent anxiety and low self-esteem, it looks as if there's a little left on the lid as well.

"No need to let perfectly good Nutella go to waste, and God knows you've already plowed through almost an entire jar of this junk like some sort of pathetic animal," said what has been classified by doctors as a chronic major depression, adding that the chocolate-hazelnut spread was delicious and "the only thing that makes the pain go away." "Why the hell not, right? After all, what's the point of stopping now?"

Added the severely under-medicated syndrome, "What's the point of anything, really?"

After determining decisively there was, in fact, still a little Nutella left in the jar, the steadily worsening psychiatric mood disorder deliberated momentarily before deciding the best course of action would be to just stick a couple of fingers in there and scoop it out that way, "because fuck it."

The recurrent lowered levels of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine that were passed down through genetic inheritance then paused and spent approximately three and a half minutes wondering what the hell could possibly be gained from this endless cycle of self-pity, and how a human being could be so worthless and bereft of dignity as to eat an entire jar of Nutella in one sitting.

"What an absolute waste of space—I suppose a three-hour nap in the middle of a goddamned Tuesday is in order next, eh?" remarked the depressive mind-state, mere seconds away from simultaneously triggering the biological mechanisms for panic and tear production. "Sure, go ahead. It's not like anyone cares what you do—they all hate you anyway."

As the last of the Nutella spread was procured from the bottom of the jar, the affective disorder announced that perhaps "disappearing forever" would be the best course of action at this point, reasoning that life wasn't going to get any better anyway, and that the essential hopelessness of existence was, at press time, undeniable.

The chronic condition then expressed deep, overwhelming shame and self-hatred over the spoon having been clumsily knocked onto the floor.

"Okay, okay, pull it together," said the mental illness, responding to increased oxygen in the bloodstream while repeatedly emphasizing in a dead monotone that "it's not about the spoon." "Things have been bad before, and they've always gotten better, right? It's all about mind over matter. So what if life is sad? Fucking get over it like everyone else does and stop being a pussy."

"Just…don't be this way," continued the neurosis, again triggering the process of tear production. "Feel better now. Please just feel better."

Sources reported the multi-symptom clinical state then recommended checking the Nutella jar one more time to see if there was anything left in there.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close