adBlockCheck

Still Too Soon To Masturbate Again, Local Man Decides

Top Headlines

Local

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Still Too Soon To Masturbate Again, Local Man Decides

SMYRNA, GA–Citing his body's need for a brief rest period, as well as a desire to preserve some sense of personal dignity, Smyrna resident Gregg Reinisch announced Tuesday that it was "just a little too soon to masturbate again."

Smyrna resident Gregg Reinisch.

"I already masturbated once tonight, since Just Shoot Me was a rerun, and I had, like, 20 minutes to kill before my pizza got here," the 27-year-old Reinisch told reporters an hour after his first masturbatory session. "I was gonna do it again, but I figured it would be kind of weird if I did it again so soon, so I decided to try to kill some time."

But even after eating the pizza, watching NYPD Blue, moving the dry dishes from the dishrack to the cupboard, and removing his clothes from the dryer, Reinisch said he still did not feel like enough time had passed to respectably masturbate again.

"I figured that if I did all that productive, housework-type stuff, I'd feel like I accomplished enough that I could masturbate without guilt," said Reinisch, pairing socks on his couch. "But I still feel like I need a little more non-sexual down-time before I can jack off again without damaging my sense of self-worth. If I wait just a little bit longer, it will be more special, and I'll respect myself more for it afterwards."

Reinisch, who engages in manual penile self-stimulation five to seven times a week, said he would prefer not to masturbate again right away, but that circumstances have made another perfunctory self-induced climax all but inevitable.

"I don't really feel like leaving the house, since it's after nine on a Tuesday. There's nothing on TV, I've played all my video games, I'm not hungry, and I have to work in the morning, so I can't get drunk," Reinisch said. "So basically, I've really got no choice."

To minimize feelings of self-loathing during his next masturbation session, Reinisch said he plans to visualize an actual woman with whom he has socialized.

"The first time I jerked off tonight, I used a photo of Joan Lunden in the latest issue of TV Guide for sexual stimulus," Reinisch said. "It did the trick, but it kind of made me feel like a loser. For my next bout, rather than use a picture of a celebrity, I will close my eyes and imagine someone I actually know–perhaps that cute blonde girl who works at the Blockbuster over on Sherman Road."

Reinisch is also considering visualizing Nancy Quigley, his seventh-grade lab partner.

"Once, I saw her panties, and I must've thought about that a thousand times during my early masturbation years, so that's always a reliable fantasy," Reinisch said. "But it's kind of creepy, if you think about it, because that means I'm getting off on looking up a 13-year-old girl's dress. So you can see how I'd be reluctant to exercise that option."

Reinisch, who once went three full weeks without masturbating in 1989 due to a lack of privacy during a family vacation, first masturbated in the summer of 1985. Since then, observers say, he has self-induced an estimated 4,200 ejaculations.

Reinisch stressed that his decision to forestall masturbation was based purely on his personal ethics regarding masturbational frequencies and in no way stemmed from any physical shortcomings. "Believe me, I am more than capable of masturbating twice within a short time-span," he said. "I don't have any problem performing in that area at all."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close