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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Still Too Soon To Masturbate Again, Local Man Decides

SMYRNA, GA–Citing his body's need for a brief rest period, as well as a desire to preserve some sense of personal dignity, Smyrna resident Gregg Reinisch announced Tuesday that it was "just a little too soon to masturbate again."

Smyrna resident Gregg Reinisch.

"I already masturbated once tonight, since Just Shoot Me was a rerun, and I had, like, 20 minutes to kill before my pizza got here," the 27-year-old Reinisch told reporters an hour after his first masturbatory session. "I was gonna do it again, but I figured it would be kind of weird if I did it again so soon, so I decided to try to kill some time."

But even after eating the pizza, watching NYPD Blue, moving the dry dishes from the dishrack to the cupboard, and removing his clothes from the dryer, Reinisch said he still did not feel like enough time had passed to respectably masturbate again.

"I figured that if I did all that productive, housework-type stuff, I'd feel like I accomplished enough that I could masturbate without guilt," said Reinisch, pairing socks on his couch. "But I still feel like I need a little more non-sexual down-time before I can jack off again without damaging my sense of self-worth. If I wait just a little bit longer, it will be more special, and I'll respect myself more for it afterwards."

Reinisch, who engages in manual penile self-stimulation five to seven times a week, said he would prefer not to masturbate again right away, but that circumstances have made another perfunctory self-induced climax all but inevitable.

"I don't really feel like leaving the house, since it's after nine on a Tuesday. There's nothing on TV, I've played all my video games, I'm not hungry, and I have to work in the morning, so I can't get drunk," Reinisch said. "So basically, I've really got no choice."

To minimize feelings of self-loathing during his next masturbation session, Reinisch said he plans to visualize an actual woman with whom he has socialized.

"The first time I jerked off tonight, I used a photo of Joan Lunden in the latest issue of TV Guide for sexual stimulus," Reinisch said. "It did the trick, but it kind of made me feel like a loser. For my next bout, rather than use a picture of a celebrity, I will close my eyes and imagine someone I actually know–perhaps that cute blonde girl who works at the Blockbuster over on Sherman Road."

Reinisch is also considering visualizing Nancy Quigley, his seventh-grade lab partner.

"Once, I saw her panties, and I must've thought about that a thousand times during my early masturbation years, so that's always a reliable fantasy," Reinisch said. "But it's kind of creepy, if you think about it, because that means I'm getting off on looking up a 13-year-old girl's dress. So you can see how I'd be reluctant to exercise that option."

Reinisch, who once went three full weeks without masturbating in 1989 due to a lack of privacy during a family vacation, first masturbated in the summer of 1985. Since then, observers say, he has self-induced an estimated 4,200 ejaculations.

Reinisch stressed that his decision to forestall masturbation was based purely on his personal ethics regarding masturbational frequencies and in no way stemmed from any physical shortcomings. "Believe me, I am more than capable of masturbating twice within a short time-span," he said. "I don't have any problem performing in that area at all."

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