Still Too Soon To Masturbate Again, Local Man Decides

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Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Still Too Soon To Masturbate Again, Local Man Decides

SMYRNA, GA–Citing his body's need for a brief rest period, as well as a desire to preserve some sense of personal dignity, Smyrna resident Gregg Reinisch announced Tuesday that it was "just a little too soon to masturbate again."

Smyrna resident Gregg Reinisch.

"I already masturbated once tonight, since Just Shoot Me was a rerun, and I had, like, 20 minutes to kill before my pizza got here," the 27-year-old Reinisch told reporters an hour after his first masturbatory session. "I was gonna do it again, but I figured it would be kind of weird if I did it again so soon, so I decided to try to kill some time."

But even after eating the pizza, watching NYPD Blue, moving the dry dishes from the dishrack to the cupboard, and removing his clothes from the dryer, Reinisch said he still did not feel like enough time had passed to respectably masturbate again.

"I figured that if I did all that productive, housework-type stuff, I'd feel like I accomplished enough that I could masturbate without guilt," said Reinisch, pairing socks on his couch. "But I still feel like I need a little more non-sexual down-time before I can jack off again without damaging my sense of self-worth. If I wait just a little bit longer, it will be more special, and I'll respect myself more for it afterwards."

Reinisch, who engages in manual penile self-stimulation five to seven times a week, said he would prefer not to masturbate again right away, but that circumstances have made another perfunctory self-induced climax all but inevitable.

"I don't really feel like leaving the house, since it's after nine on a Tuesday. There's nothing on TV, I've played all my video games, I'm not hungry, and I have to work in the morning, so I can't get drunk," Reinisch said. "So basically, I've really got no choice."

To minimize feelings of self-loathing during his next masturbation session, Reinisch said he plans to visualize an actual woman with whom he has socialized.

"The first time I jerked off tonight, I used a photo of Joan Lunden in the latest issue of TV Guide for sexual stimulus," Reinisch said. "It did the trick, but it kind of made me feel like a loser. For my next bout, rather than use a picture of a celebrity, I will close my eyes and imagine someone I actually know–perhaps that cute blonde girl who works at the Blockbuster over on Sherman Road."

Reinisch is also considering visualizing Nancy Quigley, his seventh-grade lab partner.

"Once, I saw her panties, and I must've thought about that a thousand times during my early masturbation years, so that's always a reliable fantasy," Reinisch said. "But it's kind of creepy, if you think about it, because that means I'm getting off on looking up a 13-year-old girl's dress. So you can see how I'd be reluctant to exercise that option."

Reinisch, who once went three full weeks without masturbating in 1989 due to a lack of privacy during a family vacation, first masturbated in the summer of 1985. Since then, observers say, he has self-induced an estimated 4,200 ejaculations.

Reinisch stressed that his decision to forestall masturbation was based purely on his personal ethics regarding masturbational frequencies and in no way stemmed from any physical shortcomings. "Believe me, I am more than capable of masturbating twice within a short time-span," he said. "I don't have any problem performing in that area at all."