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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Stingray Loves When Aquarium Visitors Squeal And Recoil After Touching It

NEWPORT, OR—Saying there’s nothing better than watching people “totally freak out,” a stingray at the Oregon Coast Aquarium confirmed Friday that it loves when visitors squeal and recoil in horror after touching it. “Oh man, it’s so great when some terrified-looking kid hesitates for a while before finally putting their hand under the water—you just know they’re going to completely lose their shit,” said the cartilaginous fish, describing how it can barely contain its excitement when aquarium patrons immediately pull back their hand upon making contact with its skin, emit a shrill screech, and bolt back several steps from the tank with a disgusted look on their face. “It’s especially great when they yell out stuff like ‘weird,’ ‘gross,’ or ‘ugh, it moved’ as they jump away. I swear, this one time, I sent an entire group of fourth-graders running all the way down to the ‘Secrets of Shipwrecks’ exhibit.” The stingray added, however, that it hates when some overeager freak comes up and goes right for its gill slit.

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