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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Stingray Loves When Aquarium Visitors Squeal And Recoil After Touching It

NEWPORT, OR—Saying there’s nothing better than watching people “totally freak out,” a stingray at the Oregon Coast Aquarium confirmed Friday that it loves when visitors squeal and recoil in horror after touching it. “Oh man, it’s so great when some terrified-looking kid hesitates for a while before finally putting their hand under the water—you just know they’re going to completely lose their shit,” said the cartilaginous fish, describing how it can barely contain its excitement when aquarium patrons immediately pull back their hand upon making contact with its skin, emit a shrill screech, and bolt back several steps from the tank with a disgusted look on their face. “It’s especially great when they yell out stuff like ‘weird,’ ‘gross,’ or ‘ugh, it moved’ as they jump away. I swear, this one time, I sent an entire group of fourth-graders running all the way down to the ‘Secrets of Shipwrecks’ exhibit.” The stingray added, however, that it hates when some overeager freak comes up and goes right for its gill slit.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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