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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Stock Analysts Confused, Frightened By Boar Market

NEW YORK—Stock analysts on Wall Street fled in terror after being spooked by the rare but deadly boar market that reared its head at closing bell Monday. "I have no idea what to expect," stock analyst Christopher Mattson said. "This market is highly unpredictable—tusked and savage and covered with coarse, bristly hair. I didn't know if I should buy, sell, or shoot." Mattson said he hopes stocks will soon perform again like they did two weeks ago, when brokers were soothed by the graceful movements of a swan market.

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