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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Stock Market 'Best Since 1928,' Say Investors

NEW YORK—Wall Street insiders are hailing the current bull market as the best since 1928, The Wall Street Journal reported Tuesday. "The Dow is on an unstoppable rocket-ship ride into the outer stratosphere of fiscal health and prosperity," H&R Block broker Phillip Guyer said. "I see no reason why this upward trend shouldn't continue forever. To celebrate, I think I'll buy myself one of those newfangled horseless automobiles—on credit!"

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