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Web Series Reaches 100 Views

A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Stock Market Plunges Another 700 Points On Rumor Josh Beckett Isn't 100% Healthy

BOSTON—Reacting sharply to the news that Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett may have continuing problems with a strained right oblique muscle, the Dow Jones industrial average dropped 713 points Wednesday to close at 10,180 as skittish investors reacted to reports that the ace may not start Game 3 against Anaheim. "Trading is definitely volatile at this point, a result of Fed chair Ben Bernanke's warning of the specter of vastly reduced liquidity and Boston manager Terry Francona's tepid grade of Josh's side session this morning," Boston Globe business columnist Steven Syre reported Thursday. "That's a loss of over a trillion dollars in value for the market and possibly a much more crucial loss for the Red Sox." The record plunge set a single-day mark for baseball-player-related market losses, more than doubling the 342-point loss suffered earlier this year when the pork-belly futures market collapsed at news of Prince Fielder's newfound vegetarianism.

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