adBlockCheck

Stock Market Plunges Another 700 Points On Rumor Josh Beckett Isn't 100% Healthy

Top Headlines

Sports

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Stock Market Plunges Another 700 Points On Rumor Josh Beckett Isn't 100% Healthy

BOSTON—Reacting sharply to the news that Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett may have continuing problems with a strained right oblique muscle, the Dow Jones industrial average dropped 713 points Wednesday to close at 10,180 as skittish investors reacted to reports that the ace may not start Game 3 against Anaheim. "Trading is definitely volatile at this point, a result of Fed chair Ben Bernanke's warning of the specter of vastly reduced liquidity and Boston manager Terry Francona's tepid grade of Josh's side session this morning," Boston Globe business columnist Steven Syre reported Thursday. "That's a loss of over a trillion dollars in value for the market and possibly a much more crucial loss for the Red Sox." The record plunge set a single-day mark for baseball-player-related market losses, more than doubling the 342-point loss suffered earlier this year when the pork-belly futures market collapsed at news of Prince Fielder's newfound vegetarianism.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close