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Stock Market Plunges Another 700 Points On Rumor Josh Beckett Isn't 100% Healthy

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WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Stock Market Plunges Another 700 Points On Rumor Josh Beckett Isn't 100% Healthy

BOSTON—Reacting sharply to the news that Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett may have continuing problems with a strained right oblique muscle, the Dow Jones industrial average dropped 713 points Wednesday to close at 10,180 as skittish investors reacted to reports that the ace may not start Game 3 against Anaheim. "Trading is definitely volatile at this point, a result of Fed chair Ben Bernanke's warning of the specter of vastly reduced liquidity and Boston manager Terry Francona's tepid grade of Josh's side session this morning," Boston Globe business columnist Steven Syre reported Thursday. "That's a loss of over a trillion dollars in value for the market and possibly a much more crucial loss for the Red Sox." The record plunge set a single-day mark for baseball-player-related market losses, more than doubling the 342-point loss suffered earlier this year when the pork-belly futures market collapsed at news of Prince Fielder's newfound vegetarianism.

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