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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Stock-Photo Model Scout Sees Something Special In Man In Business Suit Crossing Arms

CHICAGO—Not long after he happened to pass through a bustling office Friday morning, stock-photo model scout Andrew Sheeran revealed to colleagues that he had seen something very special in a man he had spotted wearing business attire and crossing his arms. “The second he sat down on the edge of that desk, folded his arms, and stared ahead intently, I knew this guy was a natural,” Sheeran said of the clean-cut, dark-haired 35-to-45-year-old man. “I can definitely picture him shaking hands with a smiling Asian woman or standing in front of a projector screen pointing to a pie chart. Who knows, maybe he could be on the cover of a workplace guidelines pamphlet some day. He has the potential, that’s for damn sure.” Sheehan added that the last time he had come across such raw talent was back in 1997, when he first saw famed stock-photo model Hank Felder sit down at a desktop computer, grimace, and run a hand through his hair.

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