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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Stock-Photo Model Scout Sees Something Special In Man In Business Suit Crossing Arms

CHICAGO—Not long after he happened to pass through a bustling office Friday morning, stock-photo model scout Andrew Sheeran revealed to colleagues that he had seen something very special in a man he had spotted wearing business attire and crossing his arms. “The second he sat down on the edge of that desk, folded his arms, and stared ahead intently, I knew this guy was a natural,” Sheeran said of the clean-cut, dark-haired 35-to-45-year-old man. “I can definitely picture him shaking hands with a smiling Asian woman or standing in front of a projector screen pointing to a pie chart. Who knows, maybe he could be on the cover of a workplace guidelines pamphlet some day. He has the potential, that’s for damn sure.” Sheehan added that the last time he had come across such raw talent was back in 1997, when he first saw famed stock-photo model Hank Felder sit down at a desktop computer, grimace, and run a hand through his hair.

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