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Stock-Photo Model Scout Sees Something Special In Man In Business Suit Crossing Arms

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Stock-Photo Model Scout Sees Something Special In Man In Business Suit Crossing Arms

CHICAGO—Not long after he happened to pass through a bustling office Friday morning, stock-photo model scout Andrew Sheeran revealed to colleagues that he had seen something very special in a man he had spotted wearing business attire and crossing his arms. “The second he sat down on the edge of that desk, folded his arms, and stared ahead intently, I knew this guy was a natural,” Sheeran said of the clean-cut, dark-haired 35-to-45-year-old man. “I can definitely picture him shaking hands with a smiling Asian woman or standing in front of a projector screen pointing to a pie chart. Who knows, maybe he could be on the cover of a workplace guidelines pamphlet some day. He has the potential, that’s for damn sure.” Sheehan added that the last time he had come across such raw talent was back in 1997, when he first saw famed stock-photo model Hank Felder sit down at a desktop computer, grimace, and run a hand through his hair.

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