CHICAGO—Completely embarrassing themselves in a pitiful display of collective ineptitude, a group of five female friends who gathered for happy hour Monday reportedly failed in their sole duty of providing a recommendation for a good gynecologist when asked for one by a new acquaintance who had recently moved to the area.
PHILADELPHIA—Police were led on a reckless, high-speed pursuit past more than a dozen of downtown Philadelphia's most historically fascinating locations Tuesday, when an armed assailant hijacked a tour bus full of elderly retirees visiting from Cincinnati. "The suspect took command of the vehicle at Chestnut Street, home to Philadelphia's famous Carpenter's Hall, where the First Continental Congress met, and then fled north in the southbound lane of Sixth Street towards the Liberty Bell," said police commissioner Charles H. Ramsey, adding that the driver would have gotten a great view of Independence Hall at sunset had he had not careened off Walnut Street at 45 mph. "He then led police past several Victorian homes, including Edgar Allen Poe's residence from 1838 to 1844, where he penned such classics as the 'The Pit and the Pendulum' and 'The Tell-Tale Heart.'" Police reports indicate the chase ended when the tour bus jumped a curb, slammed into a cheesesteak stand, and exploded in a ball of flames.