Stoner Architect Drafts All-Foyer Mansion

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Vol 36 Issue 27

Area Maggot Has Urgent News About Reincarnation

NEONTA, NY–A cabbage maggot called a press conference Tuesday to reveal "urgent" news concerning humanity and the afterlife. "First and foremost, I can tell you from firsthand experience that reincarnation is very real," the maggot said. "Second, though becoming a corporate attorney may seem like an easy route to making loads of money and living the good life, it will ultimately leave you feeling profoundly empty inside. Become a teacher or social worker instead." The maggot then returned to eating a rotting dog carcass.

Needle-Exchange Program Attracting 'Druggies'

CLEVELAND–A city-sponsored "Be Safe, Be Clean" needle-exchange program is in limbo due to suspicions that "dope-heads" and "druggies" may be using the program to obtain free drug paraphernalia, sources reported Monday. "Our intent was to encourage citizens who regularly use syringes to hypodermically inject substances into their bodies to use clean syringes instead of passing needles back and forth between friends, thus reducing the risk of disease," program spokesman James Dunwoody said. "But instead, our program seems to be attracting junkies and other unsavory criminal elements." Dunwoody said the program will be discontinued if the city's smack fiends do not stop abusing it.

Young Couple Hasn't Yet Realized They Don't Have To Do Grocery Shopping, Laundry Together

BREMERTON, WA–According to observers, Jon Lowe, 22, and Rachel Dennard, 21, have not yet realized that grocery shopping and laundry can be accomplished by a single person. "I was at the laundromat yesterday and saw the two of them loading clothes into the dryer together," fellow Bremerton resident Michelle Ganz, 37, said Monday. "I guess being apart for the time it takes to toss some shit in the wash is an eternity of longing for those two."

Zweibel's Metamorphosis

Observant readers of this paper know that the first week of August is traditionally set aside in the Zweibel household for the scald-cleaning, acid-etching, and shriving of my iron-lung, and this year was no different. Last Sunday, Doc McGillicuddy arrived in my bed-chamber and, with the help of the stable-boy Augustus and a pair of swarthy roust-abouts from the village smithy, removed my time-blasted carcass from its tomb. An audible hissing pop accompanied the loosening of the last bolt, and at the sight of my leprous fore-arms and the great plates of scabrous horn which have overgrown my chest, the roust-abouts screamed like a pair of God-damned fat ladies. Doc McGillicuddy, seeing that I was apoplectic with rage, filled my veins with the laudanum and transferred me once again to the wheeled death-bed that is my temporary resting place on these occasions. Exhausted from the effort, I fell into a fit-ful sleep.

Bush Takes The Lead

Gaining steam after last week's Republican National Convention, presidential candidate George W. Bush enjoys a strong lead over Al Gore in the polls. What do you think about his recent surge?

Sign Of The Crossed

Well, Jeanketeers, I really messed up big this time. No, I didn't put dark clothes in with the light ones again. And, no, I didn't accidentally erase hubby Rick's Winston Cup series videotapes, either. I'm having a hard time knowing how to put this, but, well, let's just say I'm sorry about all the born-again Christian stuff I said in my last column. I thought I was born again, but I guess I'm not.

Republicans' 'Diversity Through Imported Africans' Plan Criticized

WASHINGTON, DC–A plank in the Republican Party platform calling for a 'Diversity Through Imported Africans' program is drawing fire from civil-rights leaders. "I do not see why the NAACP would be opposed to the further enrichment of our nation's glorious patchwork of races," U.S. Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC), co-author of the plan, said Monday. "We merely seek to increase America's already remarkable diversity through the importation of 10 million strong-backed West African males. These healthy, disease-free males from such nations as Gabon, Benin, and Togo will only add spice to the wondrous cultural stew that is America." Helms added that the plan will also create millions of jobs in the fields of housekeeping and farmwork.
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Stoner Architect Drafts All-Foyer Mansion

MINNEAPOLIS–In the oft-overlooked field of stoner architecture, new talent often goes unnoticed. But that hasn't been the case for Minneapolis stoner architect Richard "Dick" Donovan, whose groundbreaking design for an all-foyer mansion is earning slack-jawed admiration from some of the most respected members of the Twin Cities stoner-architecture community.

The blueprint for Richard Donovan's (inset) revolutionary all-foyer mansion.

Donovan had won moderate recognition for past work, including his subterranean ranch house and his roofless A-frame. The 27-year-old's latest design, however, has won him unprecedented acclaim, hailed in the August issue of Stoner Architectural Digest as "the most absolutely fucked-up shit to come along in years."

"I was sitting around, bullshitting with [longtime roommate and noted carburetor-parts lamp designer Mike] Mosedale one afternoon, trying to decide if we should hang the 1968 All-American Calendar–the hilarious one with Nixon on it–by the ping-pong table or in the foyer or what," Donovan said. "Then we got to talking about foyers, and how they're kind of weird, 'cause you don't ever actually do anything in them except, you know, use them to walk into the next room. Then, all of a sudden, I was like, 'Whoa. Imagine if, after the foyer, there was just a whole endless series of foyers.' Christ, what a mindfuck that'd be."

According to Rich "Gordo" Gordon, managing editor of Stoner Architectural Digest, Donovan may be the breakout superstar for whom the profession has long waited.

"Sadly, the field of stoner architecture is usually dismissed by conventional architects, who insist on clinging to such tired, ossified notions as functionality, coherence, and basic structural integrity," Gordon said. "Someone like Donovan can go a long way toward dispelling the myth that stoner architecture is all just arrested adolescents scribbling whacked-out bullshit in dimly lit basements while turgid '70s prog-rock plays in the background. I mean, sure, it definitely is that, but it's also so much more."

Gordon then lost his train of thought.

"The work of stoner architects is tragically underfunded, and few, if any, of their designs have ever actually been built outside of the annual Burning Man festival," said Doug "Bong Hit" Cirillo, an Austin, TX, stoner architect. "It's too bad, because a lot of these dudes could use a few extra bucks. Like me, for instance. If I didn't have [girlfriend and Austin-area cosmetologist] Laura [Brodhagen] to crash with, I'd pretty much be screwed. Perhaps Donovan can help the movement gain the respect and widespread acceptance it deserves."

"Then again," continued Cirillo after an extremely long pause, "if he can't, you know, hey."

Like many in his field, Donovan got his start as a draftsman at an early age, carving Van Halen logos into desks in eighth grade. He quickly moved on to more advanced projects, drafting such designs as a "dream pad" with self-replenishing mini beer fridges in every room, a pool shaped like a Frank Frazetta warrior babe, and an "All-Time Ultimate Snack Tray" built out of the chassis of a 1978 Pontiac TransAm.

At age 22, Donovan earned his first taste of notoriety when, inspired by a quarter ounce of Mexicali Gold and a night of listening to the indie noise-rock combo Royal Trux, he spent nine consecutive hours "drawing up a plan for a city filled with 10,000 crooked stairs."

But despite such achievements, most agree that Donovan's latest design is his most significant yet.

"Donovan has a way of, like, expressing his creative-ass energies in this, you know, totally killer style," said roommate and noted stoner-architecture connoisseur "White Jimmy." "Take the time he told us he wanted to build a 'media immersion chamber.' He wanted to make this thing out of some lumber we found, so he could, like, lie down and be totally enclosed in this big couch-like thing, with a TV and PlayStation built right in at eye level overhead."

"I was like, 'How did he think that shit up?'" White Jimmy said. "Who knows, man. Who the fuck knows. Donovan's is truly a mysterious muse."

For his next project, Donovan said he hopes to design an "On-Duty-Pizzaman Neutrality Zone," a structure that would provide a "safe haven" for pizza-delivery drivers who are on the clock but seriously stressed out and in need of a couple minutes to chill without fear of reprisal. Thus far, however, he has been unable to secure the necessary funding.

It remains to be seen whether Donovan can achieve the level of success that has thus far eluded practitioners of his craft. Regardless of fame or fortune, the stoner architect remains deeply committed to his work.

"I'm just into, you know, comin' up with a whole bunch of ridiculous shit and putting it down on paper," Donovan said. "And as far as the money situation goes, I'm not too worried. I mean, rent's cheap in this neighborhood, and I only paid $500 for my car, so right now I only have to work, like, 5 to 11, two nights a week. So it's not like I don't have plenty of down time."

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