Stoner Regales Friends With Tale Of This One Bong He Saw In Iowa City Once

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Glandular Problem Forces Man To Eat Fifth Helping

FREDERICKSBURG, MD—Born with a rare, debilitating glandular disorder, 450-pound Fredericksburg resident Gordon Hotchkiss, 41, helped himself to a fifth serving of mashed potatoes Monday. "Why, oh, why, was I chosen by God to suffer from this horrible blaaarghmum?" bemoaned the stricken Hotchkiss, helplessly shoveling fistfuls of buttery mashed potatoes into his mouth. "What have I done to deserve this awful glomphummm?" Hotchkiss' condition, known within medical circles as "bigfatfuckitis," also prevents him from using the stairs instead of the elevator to get to his second-floor apartment.

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SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Lakeview Elementary School second-grader Andrew Armbrister went completely nuts with the cowbell during music class Monday, ferociously banging on the percussive instrument for more than five minutes in an effort to produce the loudest sound humanly possible. "Ah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah," the 7-year-old Armbrister shouted atonally to augment the performance, drowning out music teacher Brenda Noonan's impassioned appeals for him to stop. Noonan told reporters that in the future, Armbrister would be assigned triangle duty.

Starlet-Viewer Age Difference Quickly Calculated

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Alarmed Grand Rapids data-entry clerk Clifford Gornowicz, 33, quickly calculated the age difference between himself and 17-year-old Tonight Show guest Gaby Hoffman while watching the program Monday. "Man... 16 years," Gornowicz said to himself after host Jay Leno disclosed the actress' age. "That means she wasn't even born when The Empire Strikes Back came out. Oh, God." Gornowicz has reportedly not been this distressed since Christina Ricci.

Borrowed CD Slowly Integrated Into Own Collection

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COLUMBUS, OH—A brightly colored multicultural mural on the side of the Walker Street Community Center has brought together Columbus' many diverse ethnic communities in a celebration of talentless painting. "The young people of this city have given us something we truly can kind of be proud of," City Councilman Terrence Fordham said Monday at the bad mural's dedication ceremony. "These ham-fisted dollops of garish paint and barely recognizable human figures are a joyous tribute to the gorgeous mosaic that is Columbus."

On The Road Again

I am sorry to say that Standish and I are no longer under the protection of the Burger-King. At the end of the first day of asylum, the diplomat known as "Dale—Crew Manager" informed us that we had been mistaken for two other "senior-citizens" who apparently also sought refuge with the fabled monarch of meat.

This Year's Tri-County Agribusiness Awards Were A Damn Travesty

As you no doubt know, this past Monday night was the Tri-County Agribusiness Awards, the gala annual event honoring the best in agriculture sales and marketing in the tri-county area. As is the case every year, I was really excited to watch the show. But after seeing who took home the coveted Aggys this year, I swear, I'm never watching again. The 1999 Tri-County Agribusiness Awards were nothing but a damn travesty!
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Stoner Regales Friends With Tale Of This One Bong He Saw In Iowa City Once

MINNEAPOLIS—Area stoner Mike Cudahy, his eyes a deep red from five years of near-continuous recreational marijuana use, regaled friends and neighbors Tuesday with half-remembered tales of this one amazing bong he saw in Iowa City once.

Stoner Mike Cudahy

The bong, described in reverent, half-whispered tones by Cudahy as "awesome," "fuckin' incredible" and "seriously mind-blowing," was allegedly seen during a weekend stay at his friend's cousin's place in Iowa City this one time, probably sometime between 1993 and 1995.

According to Cudahy, the "super-bong," composed of an intricate network of plastic tubing, a motor from a lawn mower, several five-gallon buckets of ice water and a fully functional antique pool table, was "so unbelievable, I couldn't hardly believe what I was fuckin' lookin' at."

"I was like, shit," Cudahy said.

According to Cudahy, whose account has not been verified as of press time, the Iowa City bong is "the most amazingly killer bong in the whole world" and may, in fact, be "the greatest bong of all time."

Cudahy's tale was recounted before an estimated living-room audience of six during a late-night discussion of the topic, "What was the most amazing bong you ever saw?" The mythic retelling, which interrupted the viewing of a videotaped Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode that "nobody was really paying all that much attention to" because "they'd already seen it, like, 50 times," was described by those present as "awe-inspiring."

"You call that a bong?" Cudahy said to his roommate, pizza-delivery driver Greg Reuthven, moments after Reuthven had finished his "Most Amazing Bong I've Ever Seen" story. "That's a perfectly good bong, don't get me wrong, but if you want to hear about a bong, I'll tell you about a bong."

Added Cudahy, "I'll tell you about a bong, man."

Witnesses said Cudahy then launched into his tale of the super-bong sighting. The emotionally charged account lasted approximately 45 minutes, interrupted only once by a 20-minute break during which the assembled stoners unsuccessfully attempted to get enough cash together for some Chinese take-out before realizing that Hunan Palace had been closed for several hours.

Embellishing his tale with dramatic hand gestures, wide-eyed expressions of childlike wonderment, and occasional stretches of silence when he lost track of what he was talking about, Cudahy recounted how he and this one guy had traveled to Iowa City to help this other guy move. He and the first guy, Cudahy explained, had encountered "major hassles" when their van broke down halfway through hauling the second guy's shit. Hoping to borrow another van from these dudes the one guy knew from work or something, they went over to this one apartment "above a liquor store."

It was there, Cudahy said, that he encountered the incomprehensible bong.

"I've seen some amazing shit in my day, but that one took the freakin' cake, that's for sure," Cudahy said. "I guess, supposedly, it originally belonged to this one engineering student or something, but whoever invented that shit, man, he's probably working for, like, NASA right now, because that guy is some kind of motherfuckin' scientific genius."

Continued Cudahy, "They cranked up this motor that sort of sucked in air through a bunch of—what do you call—pneumatic chambers or something, and filtered the smoke into, like, all these ice buckets. It totally had built-in heating coils pumping steam into the chamber for the smoothest, most concentrated, high-THC hits possible. And there were like eight or nine hookah tubes coming out the top, so a whole roomful of dudes could get high off that shit at the same time."

"Plus, as if that weren't enough," Cudahy added, "you could shoot pool on it."

"Whoa," several present in the room reportedly responded.

Cudahy said he wound up staying at the apartment for, like, eight or nine hours or something, and after that, he can't even freakin' remember.

Cudahy's epic account is considered the most spectacular bong story in recent memory, eclipsing such legendary stoner anecdotes as the "10-Gallon Gravity Bong" tale of Miami's Juan Hermosa, and the story of the time Austin, TX, stoner Greg Klesko saw this one bamboo 15-footer some dude supposedly brought back from Vietnam like 30 years ago. The tale is even regarded as surpassing Hermosa Beach, CA, stoner Randy Porter's celebrated story of the time he was 16 and visited his older brother at USC and saw this one bong made out of this clear globe, an aquarium air pump and, like, 10 yards of PVC pipe or something.

"Cudahy's tale will have a major impact on the doper-oral-storytelling tradition in our culture," Brown University social historian Dr. Ian Schloss said. "He may have recently lost his prep-cook job at that Denny's where his brother-in-law is assistant manager, but his contributions to stoner lore now far overshadow this."

"Cudahy is a legend now," Schloss said. "His story of the Iowa City pool-table super-hookah will live on in our hearts and minds forever."

Though efforts have been made to corroborate Cudahy's account, authorities have been unable to determine the location of the liquor store or apartment, or the current whereabouts of the bong.

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