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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Stoners Announce Plans To Get Stoned For That

WILMETTE, IL—In an impromptu press conference held Monday afternoon in the parking lot of a local GameStop, a coalition of four area stoners announced their intentions to get stoned for that next weekend, adding that while the activity has much to offer sober, its sights, sounds, and smells could only be improved under the influence of marijuana. "We have concluded that getting stoned before attending this particular event would not only intensify our sensory perceptions, but also heighten our ability to philosophically analyze the experience in 10-minute bursts," group spokesman Mark Sax, 23, said. "Also, we have every reason to believe it will be seriously kick ass [stoned]." Members of the group unanimously agreed that it would be the complete ultimate if Burkey can get off work early and get stoned with them.

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