Stoners Bestow 1996 Medal Of Honor On Fritos

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Vol 31 Issue 01

Poor Kwanzaa Sales Disappoint Retailers

WASHINGTON, DC—Kwanzaa officials received sobering news Monday, as the Department of Commerce announced that Kwanzaa holiday sales for the U.S. totalled $178. The figure represents the lowest total since 1992, the year the holiday was invented. At Abe's Kwanzaa Emporium in Los Angeles, rows of unsold Kwanzaa trees were thrown out, while rolls of Kwanzaa-themed wrapping paper gathered dust in giant bins. Even A&M Records' much-hyped holiday CD, A Bryan Adams Kwanzaa, fared poorly, selling just three copies.

Area Pie Hole Shut

TEMPE, AZ—A local pie hole was definitively shut Saturday. After droning on incessantly about matters witnesses say were trivial and "more than just a little" annoying, the pie hole was forcefully instructed by a loud-mouthed neighbor to be shut. Plans to re-open the pie hole are being withheld until it needs more pie.

Oakland Teacher Mistakenly Teaches 'Economics'

OAKLAND, CA—In an effort to abide by the Oakland Public Schools' new "ebonics" instruction regulations, one area teacher mistakenly began teaching the subject of "economics" to her 11th-grade class Monday. Suzanne Byrne, a 13-year teaching veteran, badly confused students when she attempted to explain to them such complex economic principles as stagflation, Keynesian incrementalism, and the invisible hand of laissez-faire capitalism. School superintendent Melvin Washington was outraged upon learning of Byrne's actions, saying: "The voodoo she was teaching involved numbers and complex calculations, which no high-school student can reasonably be expected to understand." Washington insisted that instruction be limited to the study of ebonics, or—in the school's new higher-level Sanford and Son-themed curriculum—the study of "Lamontics," which helps young people better understand Lamont Sanford.

Budget Talks Dreadlocked

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton cited "a profound lack of irie vibrations" as the main reason budget talks became dreadlocked this week. Congress and the President had been in negotiations since last October, but according to House officials, a common ground could not be reached due to "a lack of positive riddims." "If only Ras Tafari were still with us," Rep. Glen Browder (D-AL) said. "He would have given us the wisdom to cut back on porkbarrel legislation and get the budget passed." Sen. Al D'Amato (R-NY) added: "Hopefully, we can reach some sort of bipartisan compromise and get this natty dreadlock resolved. Praise Jah." After talks stalled again Monday, legislators tabled negotiations until next week, using the recess to get high.

Unambitious Terrorists Overturn Trash Can

JERUSALEM—The Bedouin Free Army, described by State Department officials as an unambitious offshoot of the PLO, is claiming responsibility for Sunday's overturning of a garbage can near the Western Wall. According to reports, the group intended to bring attention to what they called a "serious lack of pens" in Bedouin Army encampments near the Gaza Strip. Israeli officials had ignored the group's most serious act prior to Sunday, the 1995 slamming down of a phone receiver "really hard," according to State Department files. No one was hurt in the trash can incident, though several pieces of crumpled paper, three falafel balls and a shoe were badly scattered.

Our Street Gangs Are Probably Using Bad Language

While recently wandering the rotting underbelly of my favorite local urban wasteland at 3 a.m., I was accosted by a roughneck gang of thugs who demanded my wallet. With a grandfatherly sense of duty I handed it over to them; then they clonked me over the noggin and ran off.

Murder Down In The Big Apple

Murder rates dropped in New York City for the third straight year in 1996, with total homicides in the city under 1,000 for the first time since the mid-1960s. What do you think of the surprising statistics?

1996 Was The Year Of The Celebrity!

What a crazy year it was! So many big names made news in 1996, it will certainly go down as The Year Of The Celebrity. With that in mind, let's look back into Jackie Harvey's crystal ball...
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Stoners Bestow 1996 Medal Of Honor On Fritos

AUSTIN, TX—In a formal ceremony cut short due to restlessness, the Fraternal Order of Stoners gathered Monday to award the 1996 Fraternal Order of Stoners Medal of Honor—the organization's most prestigious award—to the popular Fritos-brand corn chip.

Members of the Fraternal Order of Stoners gather to honor Fritos for distinguished achievement in "serving the needs of the, like, marijuana aficionado community, and shit."

"We are here today on this momentous occasion to pay tribute to a product that has distinguished itself in serving the needs of the, like, marijuana aficionado community, and shit," said Kurt "Burn One" Dernbaum, Fraternal Order of Stoners' Supremo El Primo Guy. "Fritos are totally the shit, soaring above the standards set by other, less worthy snack-chip items, with their unbeatable combo of availability, taste and..."

Trailing off, Dernbaum then shuffled several 3x5 index cards awkwardly before adding, "Christ, how long does this fuckin' speech go on?"

Formed sometime between 1968 and 1977, the Fraternal Order of Stoners may or may not be the nation's largest stoner-affiliate organization. Past Medal of Honor recipients have included Whippets; That One Chick From That Band; Nintendo; and, for reasons that remain unclear, Gold Bond Medicated Powder.

"I don't know what we were thinking that year," Dernbaum said. "I guess we were stoned."

As the five-minute ceremony wore on, the assembled audience became increasingly restless. "Fritos rule, man, but we're totally missing Trek," said stoner Miles "Miles High" Sherman, interrupting a hastily assembled "Salute To Fritos" video collage, an audio-visual tribute consisting of grainy, videotaped footage of various retail Fritos displays accompanied by music from the soundtrack to Carl Sagan's Cosmos. "Let's get this shit over with."

Officials at Frito-Lay, the company that manufactures the corn chip, declined comment on the singling out of Fritos for the award, other than to officially disavow any association with drug use and to urge all teens to "stay in school."

Monday's ceremony, which originally was to be held in the posh Plaza Hotel Ballroom in Manhattan and feature a gala celebrity guest list including elder stoner statesman Grandpa Bud Bluejeans, Ozzy Osbourne and Woody Harrelson, as well as live music by 311, was instead held in the vice-treasurer's living room with a minimum of fanfare. Guests included a guy who works in the convenience store down the street, while music was provided by a couple of old Stooges albums.

"Do you have any idea how much of a hassle it is to throw one of these formal shindigs, man? I mean, talk about harsh," said Mike Cudahy, Fraternal Order of Stoners Senior Member Guy. "I mean, just tryin' to like rent a tux was like, whoah."

Cudahy then twirled his hands in front of his face to indicate the degree to which the experience had been like whoah. "We bailed on the whole tux thing in, like, no time," he said.

The annually awarded Medal of Honor is considered by several to be the highest award in all of stonerdom. "Maybe we shouldn't actually call it a Medal of Honor, really," Cudahy said. "'Cause, see, we don't actually have a medal, or anything. We do have this cool pedestal thing, though, that we got from some guy's lawn."

Despite the prestigious nature of the awards ceremony, attendance and press coverage of the event was severely limited, as the phone number provided for press arrangements had been temporarily disconnected for the three weeks leading up to the celebration due to "a short-term budget crunch."

"Bo-ring... bo-ring..." several members shouted during the closing moments of the affair, eventually chanting, "Get off the stage! Get off the stage!" while giggling and stamping their feet in approximate unison.

Formally concluding the ceremonies, Dernbaum said: "We at the Fraternal Order, blah blah blah, feel that the most honorary recognition, blah blah blah, awarded to Fritos... C'mon, guys, clap... Fritos is the most awesomest chip, clap you fuckers, etc. Christ almighty, what a load of... Fuck that, dudes! Frito time!"

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