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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Stop Smoking Tips

Millions of Americans are addicted to smoking. If you are among them but don't want to be, here are some tips to help you kick the habit.

Stop Smoking Tips

  • Avoid doing things you associate with smoking, such as drinking, eating, walking, and being awake.
  • Get thrown in jail, where cigarettes can only be acquired in exchange for painful sexual favors.
  • Lobby your elected representatives to pass a $6,913 sales tax on packs of cigarettes.
  • Write a rap song about how smoking is not cool. Perform it at local elementary schools.
  • Move to California, where tobacco possession is illegal.
  • Avoid thinking about the rich, full flavor of Benson & Hedges.
  • Fill your home with motivational placards bearing such slogans as, "Smoking Is For Pussies" and "Only A Fucking Retard Would Even Think About Smoking."
  • Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. If a loved one quits smoking, keep an ashtray around as a handy substitute.
  • Attractive people smoke because it makes them look cool. Acknowledge that you are neither attractive nor cool.
  • Cover yourself in egg whites. No one knows why this works.
  • Join a stop-smoking support group. Be sure it's one that meets on a different night than your other six support groups.
  • Hypnotism has helped many people quit, but you risk becoming the hypnotist's slave. It's your choice: quitting smoking or freedom.
  • Teach yourself a valuable lesson by slowly dying of lung cancer.
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