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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


Stop Smoking Tips

Millions of Americans are addicted to smoking. If you are among them but don't want to be, here are some tips to help you kick the habit.

Stop Smoking Tips

  • Avoid doing things you associate with smoking, such as drinking, eating, walking, and being awake.
  • Get thrown in jail, where cigarettes can only be acquired in exchange for painful sexual favors.
  • Lobby your elected representatives to pass a $6,913 sales tax on packs of cigarettes.
  • Write a rap song about how smoking is not cool. Perform it at local elementary schools.
  • Move to California, where tobacco possession is illegal.
  • Avoid thinking about the rich, full flavor of Benson & Hedges.
  • Fill your home with motivational placards bearing such slogans as, "Smoking Is For Pussies" and "Only A Fucking Retard Would Even Think About Smoking."
  • Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. If a loved one quits smoking, keep an ashtray around as a handy substitute.
  • Attractive people smoke because it makes them look cool. Acknowledge that you are neither attractive nor cool.
  • Cover yourself in egg whites. No one knows why this works.
  • Join a stop-smoking support group. Be sure it's one that meets on a different night than your other six support groups.
  • Hypnotism has helped many people quit, but you risk becoming the hypnotist's slave. It's your choice: quitting smoking or freedom.
  • Teach yourself a valuable lesson by slowly dying of lung cancer.