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Tips

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Stop Smoking Tips

Millions of Americans are addicted to smoking. If you are among them but don't want to be, here are some tips to help you kick the habit.

Stop Smoking Tips

  • Avoid doing things you associate with smoking, such as drinking, eating, walking, and being awake.
  • Get thrown in jail, where cigarettes can only be acquired in exchange for painful sexual favors.
  • Lobby your elected representatives to pass a $6,913 sales tax on packs of cigarettes.
  • Write a rap song about how smoking is not cool. Perform it at local elementary schools.
  • Move to California, where tobacco possession is illegal.
  • Avoid thinking about the rich, full flavor of Benson & Hedges.
  • Fill your home with motivational placards bearing such slogans as, "Smoking Is For Pussies" and "Only A Fucking Retard Would Even Think About Smoking."
  • Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. If a loved one quits smoking, keep an ashtray around as a handy substitute.
  • Attractive people smoke because it makes them look cool. Acknowledge that you are neither attractive nor cool.
  • Cover yourself in egg whites. No one knows why this works.
  • Join a stop-smoking support group. Be sure it's one that meets on a different night than your other six support groups.
  • Hypnotism has helped many people quit, but you risk becoming the hypnotist's slave. It's your choice: quitting smoking or freedom.
  • Teach yourself a valuable lesson by slowly dying of lung cancer.
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    Top Family Vacation Spots

    With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

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