Stop Smoking Tips

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.
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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Stop Smoking Tips

Millions of Americans are addicted to smoking. If you are among them but don't want to be, here are some tips to help you kick the habit.

Stop Smoking Tips

  • Avoid doing things you associate with smoking, such as drinking, eating, walking, and being awake.
  • Get thrown in jail, where cigarettes can only be acquired in exchange for painful sexual favors.
  • Lobby your elected representatives to pass a $6,913 sales tax on packs of cigarettes.
  • Write a rap song about how smoking is not cool. Perform it at local elementary schools.
  • Move to California, where tobacco possession is illegal.
  • Avoid thinking about the rich, full flavor of Benson & Hedges.
  • Fill your home with motivational placards bearing such slogans as, "Smoking Is For Pussies" and "Only A Fucking Retard Would Even Think About Smoking."
  • Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. If a loved one quits smoking, keep an ashtray around as a handy substitute.
  • Attractive people smoke because it makes them look cool. Acknowledge that you are neither attractive nor cool.
  • Cover yourself in egg whites. No one knows why this works.
  • Join a stop-smoking support group. Be sure it's one that meets on a different night than your other six support groups.
  • Hypnotism has helped many people quit, but you risk becoming the hypnotist's slave. It's your choice: quitting smoking or freedom.
  • Teach yourself a valuable lesson by slowly dying of lung cancer.