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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Storybook Romance Leads To In-Flight-Magazine Marriage

MORRISTOWN, NJ–A romance straight out of a storybook has led to a marriage straight out of an in-flight magazine, it was reported Monday. "Matthew and Lorraine DeRoia, who wed one year ago after the kind of magical courtship you read about in fairytales, now live the kind of lives that are as exciting as an in-flight magazine, industry trade journal, or dental-health brochure," said Larry Garber, who lives next door to the utterly-bored-with-each-other DeRoias.

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