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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Straight, Gay Service Members Looking Forward To Asking, Telling Come September

WASHINGTON—With Don't Ask, Don't Tell, the policy on gay men and women serving in the military, set to expire Sept. 20, tens of thousands of U.S. service members are reportedly busy gearing up for marathon sessions of asking and telling. "Finally, after years of being silent about my sexual orientation, I can get all this built-up telling out of my system," Cpl. Kevin Lassally said Thursday, telling reporters he had already made an exhaustive mental inventory of all the people he was going to ask. "I think I'll probably send out a bulk e-mail to get my telling over with all at once. That way, I can free up most of my time for asking. Man, this is gonna be great. I'm totally asking the colonel." Pentagon officials said they have canceled two planned invasions in anticipation of the military slowdown expected to occur while troops are getting all their asking and telling out of the way.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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