Strangulation The New Blow To The Head, Says Hired Killer Magazine

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Vol 40 Issue 17

Bush To Iraqi Militants: 'Please Stop Bringing It On'

WASHINGTON, DC—In an internationally televised statement Monday, President Bush modified a July 2003 challenge to Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces. "Terrorists, Saddam loyalists, and anti-American insurgents: Please stop bringing it on now," Bush said at a Monday press conference. "Nine months and 500 U.S. casualties ago, I may have invited y'all to bring it on, but as of today, I formally rescind that statement. I would officially like for you to step back." The president added that the "it" Iraqis should stop bringing includes gunfire, bombings, grenade attacks, and suicide missions of all types.

Putting Up With Dave's Shit Not In Job Description

SPOKANE, WA—Although he's willing to put up with a hell of a lot, coffee-shop employee Jason Bowen said Tuesday that dealing with endless amounts of Dave's shit isn't part of his job description. "I'm sorry, but I didn't come to the Second Cup just so [store manager] Dave [Shaw] could use me as his personal slave," Bowen said. "Nothing in the employee handbook says I have to stay until midnight cleaning the cappuccino machines, just because he has to go argue with his fucking girlfriend." Bowen added that he was hired as a barista, and maintenance work is so not what he's paid to do.

Spawn Of Satan A Failure In Father's Eyes

TUSTIN, CA—The humanoid spawn of Satan, Belial K. Ravana, 16, has proven to be a huge disappointment to his father, His Satanic Majesty reported from Hell Tuesday. "Apparently, young Belial started a fire in the garbage can at school today," Satan said. "When I begat young Belial, I had high hopes that he would follow in my cloven-hoofsteps. At his age, I was scorching the earth in hellfire, flensing the skin off of infants, and making the streets of Babylon run red with the blood of the righteous." Satan said he hopes Belial will turn it around and "at least rape the principal" before the semester's end.

National Cyber Security

The Department of Homeland Security recently identified a serious Internet security flaw that could leave the web vulnerable to hackers. What do you think?

You're Fired!

You're fired! Since Donald Trump started saying it on The Apprentices, I can't say it enough. It's this year's "Is that your final answer?" I've been saying it to everyone: my friends, my mailman, and even my mom! And now we know the apprentice is Bob, who proved that he had the goods by coordinating a golf tournament. Congratulations, Bob!

Sept. 11 Could Not Have Been Prevented Without Accruing A Lot Of Overtime

Esteemed members of the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks upon the United States, good afternoon. As National Security Advisor, my job is to coordinate the efforts of America's intelligence and defense agencies and report directly to the president. I was, and continue to be, in a unique position to understand the threats and dangers our nation faces. It is with utmost confidence and sincerity that I assure each and every one of you that there was no way the federal government could have prevented the horrific events of Sept. 11 without accruing an enormous amount of overtime.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Strangulation The New Blow To The Head, Says Hired Killer Magazine

NEW YORK—Strangulation has replaced a violent blow to the skull as the hot new way to eliminate a target, according to the May issue of Hired Killer magazine. "Striking the occipital was fine in the easygoing '90s—an audible thump and a sloppily collapsing body fit the casual feel of the times," read the article by Jonathan Grecco. "But the elegant silence of a strangle kill, and the skill that its proper execution demands, are too-too today, especially when a monofilament line is used to modernize this classic." The May issue also features 10 Ways First-Time Trigger-Men Screw Up A Body Disposal.

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