adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Street Musician's Mother Really On His Case About Practicing His Buckets

NEW YORK—Insisting that if the young street musician doesn’t apply himself more, he’ll never work his way up to a good busking spot in Times Square, local mother Rita Skolnick reportedly told her son Wednesday to “go upstairs right now” and get to practicing his buckets. “When you begged me to get you those buckets, you promised you’d practice an hour every day, and now they just sit there collecting dust,” Skolnick shouted at her son Tyler, 15, pointing at a pair of white plastic buckets in the corner of his room. “You should be setting aside a solid block of time every afternoon to sit down and practice your buckets. That’s the only way you’re going to get better.” Sources confirmed that half an hour later, Skolnick again yelled at her son when she went into his room and found him sitting on one of his buckets and playing video games.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close