adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Street Musician's Mother Really On His Case About Practicing His Buckets

NEW YORK—Insisting that if the young street musician doesn’t apply himself more, he’ll never work his way up to a good busking spot in Times Square, local mother Rita Skolnick reportedly told her son Wednesday to “go upstairs right now” and get to practicing his buckets. “When you begged me to get you those buckets, you promised you’d practice an hour every day, and now they just sit there collecting dust,” Skolnick shouted at her son Tyler, 15, pointing at a pair of white plastic buckets in the corner of his room. “You should be setting aside a solid block of time every afternoon to sit down and practice your buckets. That’s the only way you’re going to get better.” Sources confirmed that half an hour later, Skolnick again yelled at her son when she went into his room and found him sitting on one of his buckets and playing video games.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close